shesh 'n trev

If I were to write letters to my little ones, I'd write this...

2012-01-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Jo,
You are one unique child. You're unlike any other little girl I've ever known, or even heard of. Who's heard of a girl obsessing over monkeys at two years old - and have it last for almost a year?! You have this goofy smile with terribly crooked teeth (that will cost your dad and I some fortune in orthodontics, ahem) that warms the cockles of my heart. I love the nape of your neck, your wispy hair and your smooth, soft porcelain skin. My favorite thing you do is when you cuddle up on my lap, and stay for a while. Don't stop that, at least for a while, please :).

Dear Millie,
You live your life out loud, child. You never have a single emotion or thought that isn't written all over your little face. What I love most about you right now is your peg-leg skip, that bright sparkle you get in your eye when I even mention baking a cake, and when you raise both your arms and yell, SHEE-RAAA! from the top of the castle. You can be awfully sweet to both Hazel and Jo. You bring them blankets and toys, and for that I'll always be grateful. I love how you always act like someone is watching in an audience, and you're waiting for the applause.

Dear Hazel,
My perfect, blond angel-baby. Could anyone ask for a sweeter, softer, more beautiful almost one-year-old? No. I love when you cuddle with me in the mornings. You've recently mastered climbing up to the top of the slide, and I'm very proud. I'm glad you're starting to stand up for yourself to your sisters. You've got a lot to compete with, with those twins. Your sweet nature and ready smile will always get me to do whatever it is you want. The truth is you've got me wrapped around your finger, but shh! Don't tell anyone else!

I love you all, so very, very much.
Your mama
PS~ I got you Krispy Kremes for breakfast - oh yeah, baby!

the empress

2012-01-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

This is a common scene in our house, Josephine ascending the staircase with her blanket around her shoulders like a train...

Inevitably it reminds me of my other favorite Josephine....

She-Ra!

2012-01-23T14:25:00.001-07:00

Whenever Jo and Millie pretend to be someone(thing) else, its always masculine. If its not an animal, they pretend to be Superman, Aladdin or Mickey Mouse. I'm not worried, I just wish I could find some equally interesting feminine heroes for them. But who wants to be Lois Lane if you can be Superman?
I'm meticulously picky about what media comes in our house. In my quest to find interesting girls for mine to watch and read about, I just couldn't find any that spark my girls interest in the same way their male heroes do. I've tried Madeleine (go for the European options first, eh?), Dora the Explorer, Angelina Ballerina (a total no-go), and some Minnie Mouse. Nothin'.
Then I remembered She-Ra. Yeah, as in Heman's sister. The girls think she's *awesome*, and her horse can fly - w o w! This may start a new phase for them; we'll see. However, I'm no lover of the 80's, there's only so much synthesizer and spandex I can handle. Let's face it, I do not enjoy She-Ra, but I do like the fact that the girls have a female superhero now, blazing blonde hair, cheesy lines and all.

.....ta-dah!

2012-01-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

Besides occasionally sticking their fingers up their noses, the twins have picked up other obnoxious habits. Such as the classic, repeating my name over and over until I tear my eyes away from what I'm doing and give them my attention. "Mama....Mama....MAMA! Mamamamamamamamamamama!" Ad infinitum.
Josephine was doing just this the other evening while I was actively sauteing vegetables. When I finally looked over to see what she wanted, she had clearly forgotten whatever it was she wanted me to see. She gave me a blank look, mouth agape, searching for her lost thought. Giving up, she just raised her arms and gave an embarrassed "...........Ta-dah!" I was laughing so hard. Funny kid.

In case you were wondering how our dear Kate is doing...

2012-01-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

She is well. She has a beautiful new kelly green dress, which she wore to Relief Society, during which she sat next to me and held Hazel. She made funny faces at me. We had a good time.

So You Want to Read...

2012-01-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

If you don't know Margy Layton, you should. She's one of the most open-hearted and open-minded people you'll ever know. I first met her during a very formative period of my life, and my worldview would be different had I never met her. She's hosting a series of literary events at the Springville Public Library, titled "So You Want to Read..." The first meeting started with a bang with Ann Cannon and Louise Plummer. My personal highlights of the evening were imagining Ann as a naughty fifth grader running into the boy's bathroom, and when Louise talked about going through her 'dirty reading' phase. I also loved it when Ann brought me some Christmas and Valentine's Peeps. Did I mention Ann is also one of my favorite people in this whole wide world? Because she is. Reading her columns and her blog give me many needed laughs in my days, in fact I rather rely on them. I have fond memories of working at TKE with her.
Next month's "So You Want to Read" centers on Moby Dick, one of my favorite novels. Come! Here's the schedule.

a new study

2012-01-18T13:53:00.000-07:00

A new BYU study has shown that blogging helps new-time moms. It found that "the more a new mom blogged the less stress she felt about being a parent." Blogging creates a sense of community that is invaluable to a new mom. "The study, which was recently published in Maternal Health Journal, shows that first-time moms who blog regularly have less parental stress and higher marital satisfaction than moms who don't blog." Facebook time did not make a difference either way.
I read about the study in the Daily Herald, and I'm glad to know that such studies are being made. Motherhood can be so alienating, since it inhibits the things you used to love and do. I do know that blogging helps me personally; not only does it give me an outlet to write and formulate ideas, but I think about blog topics while I'm doing mundane chores.
This has all reminded me of something one of my old art history professors has been fascinated with - photographs from the 1890s-1900s of 'hidden mothers.' Intriguing. I just feel like there's an Art Bulletin article waiting to be written about them.

a hopeful place

2012-01-13T20:26:00.001-07:00

My thoughts had been spiraling for several days until I hit bottom, realizing my life has turned out to be nothing like I imagined it would. It wasn't a happy thought. I prayed, ruminated, and have reached a hopeful place. I thought about all the decisions I've made that lead me where I am today. I can say with dead certainty that every one, from choosing to go to BYU over my first choice, marrying Trevor, and having children, were decisions I absolutely made with God's guidance. I knew it at the time, and I know it now.
This is exactly what it means to align my will with Heavenly Father's. To be a faithful follower of Christ. And those who do notoriously live productive but difficult lives. Think Emma Smith, or Moses, or Nephi. Not that I'm putting myself in that category. But I know I have this life because I followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost and did God's will.
So, no, I may not be living a bohemian lifestyle in Montmartre, but I go to sleep with the assurance that I'm following Heavenly Father's plan for me, and there is a certain peace that comes with that. I also need not stop dreaming. I need to keep reading my travel books, planning sewing projects, and scheming of ways to get across the pond. Because someday those things will happen, but for right now I'm doing the work of my life - raising my girls, one day at a time. I'm faithfully following God. This is a hopeful place to be.

running, mama

2012-01-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

I can't go to sleep without checking in on my little ones. A couple nights ago, Trev and I were tip-toeing into the twin's bedroom, when Jo started talking in her sleep. We got close, and she said: "Mama......I'm running......I'm running, mama......"
We could hardly keep from laughing. Even in her sleep, that kid is on the go.

I have ventured into a new realm of sewing. I designed a skirt in my mind, drew it out, did the math and the numbers, and created my very own pattern. I'm assembling it now with some fabulous green fabric from YellowBird. Oooo its fun imaging something, designing and creating. Lets hope it turns out. I imagine there will be problems, but so far I haven't made any mistakes!

two blessings

2012-01-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

Doing better. Still no trips planned, but the twins have given me an easier go today. I've also had two unexpected blessings plop into my life. The first is through an old friend, Amy. She and I have been friends since high school, and kept in touch during our BYU days, and now she and I live within a few blocks of each other. She also has a Josephine, and my Jo thinks that's pretty cool. She worships her new friend, and tries to hold her hand when they play and asks me once every couple of hours if she can play with her 'friend Jo.' Its fabulous for my kids to get some new scenery and interact with some really great kids, and its wonderful for me to have a friend to talk to.
The second blessing is in a puppy. No, we didn't get one. But my parents did. Of course my children are fascinated with it, and the best part for me is witnessing how tender they can be.

Gospel Doctrine

2012-01-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

Apparently Heavenly Father heard my desire to teach and gave me a calling. Bishop asked me to teach Gospel Doctrine. There's only two classes, and one whole class is all mine every week. I'm thrilled, but nervous too. I'm intimidated to teach people who are older than me. When I told the Bishop that, he asked how old I was. I told him 27. "Oh, you're not THAT young!" Ha ha, thanks Bishop.
We're doing Book of Mormon this year, which, truth be told, wouldn't be my strongest gospel to teach. My strengths would be first New Testament, then Old, then Book of Mormon and lastly D&C. So this will be good for me, and make my weakness a strength. I just won't be able to pull in any art history whatsoever!
But it does take all that time with which I was going to teach community ed. Which is okay, but another sacrifice. There's no way I could do both. I have about an hour of time every night in which I could do it, and I think this calling is a clear sign that that hour will now be preparing for Gospel Doctrine.

carpe diem

2012-01-10T14:39:00.002-07:00

My friend Stacey sent this to me - it helped immensely.

Warning: This post may be a little depressing

2012-01-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

I've felt like I've given up a lot of dreams in order to pursue motherhood. That's true of all mothers. I also think that giving up dreams for certain realities and plain old sacrifice is part of earthly experience, and those who don't are missing some important experiences.

The problem I've been facing is that even my dreams of motherhood aren't happening. The whole experience isn't what I'd always hoped it would be. My days are filled with grueling hard work. I'm so tired and sore at the end of every day, and then I wonder why the heck am I still so fat? Aren't I working hard enough to burn that, yo?!

Discipline is the other dominant part of my days. I feel like a zookeeper more than a mother 90% of the time. "Don't bite that - don't hit her - you have to wear clothes - don't suck up the dirty water on the dishwasher door - don't smash the tv with the hammer - don't stick your finger in the outlet - don't play in the toilet." (PS - I have said every single one of those things today, and its only 1:30).

So I'm having to lower my expectations on this whole experience, which is depressing. I thought there'd be more sweet, calm moments. I literally cannot keep up with their energy. I can hear them, its nap time, but what are they doing? Removing the wooden slats on their bed frame and making a slide. I don't even have to go up there, I just know.

Then there are the things that just make me feel deprived. Like missing lunch because there's no time after I feed the kids (there is just no way I can eat at the same time,) or not being able to use the bathroom without someone coming in and asking me to do something for them. Millie bit a hole in a favorite dress.

I decided a long time ago that my life's focus is on my children and not me, but there are some days (like today,) that I just feel so run down and there's nothing left.

I wasn't planning on writing about this - but Trev and I were trying to plan a trip to Paris this fall. I was so excited. Looking at plane tickets and everything. But in the end it just wasn't possible. Maybe in a few years. But there are so many things like that in my life right now - well, maybe in a few years blah blah blah - but I need something to be happy about right now. My mom has been trying to tell me to shoot lower - maybe just a weekend away, or smaller dreams. I'm working on that one.

And then there's that stupid voice in my head that says, "Well, you can't complain about anything. You have running water. You're not raising children in the sewers in Mumbai. You have a house and a husband. There are couples who desperately want kids, and you're complaining about yours?!" I can't even let myself have a moment of decent self pity because I feel so stinking guilty if I do.

Outsiders who watch me with my kids are almost always amazed. And say so to me. It makes me feel good, and I think maybe I am succeeding. But I can't see what they see.

My greatest fear is that after my children are grown, and I've given it all I've got, there won't be anything left of me. Like I won't have any more dreams, and I'll just be this daft old lady who watches soaps all day, eating marshmallows. I know, reading this you're thinking that's a weird thing to be afraid of. But I am! What if this whole hard experience just knocks it all out of me?! It could happen, peeps!

I order in all these travel books from the library. "The Bazaar Quarter of Istanbul." "The Markets of Paris." "Spain and its Wonders." The last batch I returned them without even opening them. What's the point?

Trying to encourage myself is hard when I do the exact same thing every. single. day. And its not going to change for hundreds more days. But what am I complaining about? I'm not in a concentration camp. (SHUT UP, VOICE.) What to do?! I thought writing it all out might help....it didn't...poop. Now I have to go upstairs and reassemble their beds, for the umpteenth time.

art appreciation

2012-01-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

I did something kind of brave. I submitted my CV to UVU's Continuing Education to teach art history. It might surprise you to know that I don't actually have a lot of free time, so I've been thinking for a long time that teaching through something like Continuing Education would be perfect. I'd get to keep my head in Art History, get more experience teaching, but without a whole lotta grading, or preparation time.
I like UVU as a university. I feel like the people who run it are open-minded and flexible. So when I saw the "Art Appreciation" as an area they were looking for a teacher on their website, I jumped on it. I came up with several types of classes I could teach - from the very broad to very narrow. I told them I could do a general art appreciation class, teaching people how to look at art and make connections to what they are seeing. Or maybe a very basic Art History overview (a la ARTHC 111). I even thought maybe a class that just lectured on the world's most famous art works would be of general interest.
Then I told them about my areas of 'expertise,' and said I could teach a class on Art of the Ancient World: Egypt, Greece & Rome. Or Medieval Art in Western Europe, or even a Celtic and Anglo-Saxon class. I'd be most thrilled to teach a class on Napoleonic art, or medieval textiles.
They were prompt in getting back to me, and were enthusiastic at my interest. However the teacher coordinator has recently retired, and it might be weeks until they hire another, and weeks after that until they can get back to me. So it may not be till fall, but I'm excited nonetheless! I need more art history in my days....
What kind of art class would you sign up for, if it was for fun?

morning solution

2012-01-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

Do your mornings find you dragging out of bed? Limpid at breakfast? Saggy-eyed? Try the twin's solution - Woody pajamas and sprinkly chocolate doughnuts. Works like a charm!

pixie corner

2012-01-04T15:35:00.002-07:00

My project, Pixie Corner, is done! Pictures here.

30

2012-01-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have this feeling like I'm going to die before I'm 30. I know, I know, morbid. But I just do. I think it explains why I've done everything so quickly - sailed the world at 19, married at 21, two degrees in 6 years, and practically had triplets. I've already told Trevor what I'd want at my funeral (yes funeral potatoes - NO expensive coffin, and at some point everyone has to watch Amelie and have a Frenchy party), and I've told him that he'd have to re-marry, because my girls need a mama.
Trev gets mad at me whenever I bring this subject up. Not like I do very often. But after experiencing two family deaths this year, I feel like as a culture we need to open up about death as an experience. I felt completely unprepared for both family deaths, and I wish I had known more what to expect.
So if I do make it to 30, and my dark prediction is completely wrong, I'm going to celebrate with black balloons and cake.

what we did this sunny day...

2012-01-02T20:07:00.001-07:00

Thor and his Thorettes

2011-12-27T15:49:00.001-07:00

I consider comic books part of ubiquitous 'literature.' Almost every man I know younger than 30 reads them. Trevor loves comic books, graphic novels, etc. I personally don't like them, but I respect that Trevor does. His favorite super hero is Thor, so we laughingly call the girls his 'Thorettes.'*
A few years ago we bought this used DVD collection of classic Superman cartoons from the 1940s. About two months ago I put it on for the twins in the car, and they haven't been the same since.
Jo runs around the house with her arms in front of her squealing "Super-ma-ma-ma-man!" Today at the library, Millie ran away from me, and came back a few minutes later with a Superman comic book. I still don't know where the comic books even are in the library, but Millie sure does.

Score one for Thor.

*Trevor gets a real kick every time we work on a house project together. Gives him the chance to shout "Hammer!!!"

Christmas

2011-12-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

Jo and I Christmas morning, leaving for church. Millie was in a bad mood, so, she didn't get a picture :)....

what jo sees

2011-12-23T14:27:00.001-07:00

For scale, Mickey is just larger than a quarter.

What Jo sees: My favorite toys! Abu! Mickey! Bullseye! The world is alright when I have all three crammed into my hands. They fit into everything and everywhere! They do things to help mama - like dishes and eating healthy food, even if I don't want to.

What her mama sees: Three tiny toys irritatingly and constantly being lost, but without which Jo won't sleep, eat or leave the house. Jo's alter ego when she wants to be naughty.

honesty

2011-12-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

For my birthday, my dearest friend gave me a unique gift. She printed out all of our texts back and forth from the past two years, including the pictures. It doesn't make sense unless you know that we text each other everyday, about everything, and we both have little girls close in age.
Re-reading our messages back and forth reveals quite an honest history of the past two years. More honest than say, this blog. Because she's my best friend I'll tell her things I wouldn't tell other people. It also revealed to me how much better things are now than they were when the twins were wee babies. I would never have thought to read through all our messages, but as Sarah put it, we do write letters to each other like women did in ages past, ours are just shorter and get to each other quicker.

On a similar note, I met with three of my best friends from high school the other day. I loved seeing them and catching up. What beautiful, intelligent and faithful women. Eight years out of high school, and we're all stay-at-home moms with more than one child. What was best for me was being able to speak honestly about the trials of motherhood with women who know me, won't judge, and are having the same experiences. It was certainly one of those social events that energized me.

I'm glad to have such friends, even if we live far away from each other, and for the honesty those friendships bring.

Peter Jackson knew just what I wanted for my birthday...

2011-12-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

Kate & I

2011-12-20T20:36:00.002-07:00

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Windsor, is my dear old friend. Or at least my subconscious thinks so. I have had at least a dozen dreams where she is my friend and we do adventurous things together. Our most recent night time excursion was on a safari, where we saw exotic beasts and she filled me in on all the Buckingham gossip. She adores Will, but he is aloof and she worries about all the time he spends away from her. The queen is a source of great strength for her, and despite what some say, she is a great woman with wisdom and compassion for her people. Harry is wild, and if it weren't for the public's constant attention, he'd be a loose cannon.
Yes, she tells me a lot of royal secrets. My favorite dream-get-together was when she came to my house, dressed in her glorious wedding gown, and plopped down next to me, Diet Coke in hand, and laughingly told me all the backstage goodies while we watched the DVD of her wedding. Princess Beatrice chose that hat as a last-minute save because the hairdresser could not control her unruly locks.

I wonder if Kate has dreams about me; maybe she helps me change Hazel's diaper, or comes with me to Sunroc to pick out paint.

and baking also

2011-12-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

Not only have I been cooking, I've been baking. Today's delicious desserts: Nordic cardamon cake, and (no baking required), sliced bananas with nutella and covered with ground creme brulee almonds, then frozen. Deeelish!

jo defeats the dark side

2011-12-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

If you've met Jo, you've met her blanket. Moogie-made, yellow and purple, soft, dirty. Yesterday it needed a wash. Josephine. Was. MAD. She was so angry at ME, which I have to say, is a true first. She looked at me with the most adult serious-face she could muster and said, "NO, mama. No washing." Trying to take her as seriously as she takes me, "Sorry Jo, its dirty. Look. Smell it, it stinks." "NO MAMA. NOOOOO!"
We were trying to get out the door to buy food. She was a pile of tears and balled-up anger. I gave her an ultimatum, she could go to time-out, or she could come with us. I could see the battle raging in her eyes. She was mad at me for washing her blanket, but she didn't want to go in time out. It was a very Luke Skywalker moment for her. Imagine The Emperor hissing, "Give into your anger, Jo! Yesssss." So she smacked the wall a few times, hard, cried some more, and came with us.
I felt so bad for her, I was asking her to do a very grown-up thing indeed, but she did it. I'm proud of her. And now, ever since she got her beloved "gwigitch" back (we're assuming that's a name she's given it?), she keeps remarking to me how good it smells :).

bed nooks and holiday exhaustion

2011-12-14T14:45:00.002-07:00

Because I spend so very much time at home, I start many home improvement plans in my mind. I have this whole addition to the house drawn up in my little moleskine. Trev's totally on board, and we may even have a way to pay for it, we'll just have to wait 1-2 years to do it. We want to add onto the eastern side of the house, break down part of the kitchen wall to add a dining room, and above it expand the upstairs bedroom. My mind is swimming with swell ideas, and one that we would certainly have to do would be bed nooks, a simpler version of the picture, which I saw in the NY Times a couple of years ago and has never left my imagination:

Mmm....yes.

On a different note, does anyone else suffer from holiday exhaustion? I'm a leetle tired of Christmas already, and its still 10 days away! I've been up too late working on all the Christmas presents, eating too many sweet things neighbors and friends bring by, if I hear 'Santa Baby' one more time I may have to bore a hole in the wall, anticipating our missionary call is killer, Relief Society party, Ward Breakfast, family get-togethers, I'm not looking forward to all the social things I have to do. I know, call me Scrooge, but every year its a bit of a relief for it all the be over, and I'm already looking forward to it!

why burma matters to me

2011-12-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hilary Clinton's recent visit to Burma was a historic trip, and part of me rejoices at Pres. Obama's assessment that there are 'flickers of progress' coming from the military dictatorship, and the other part of me is more cynical, remembering the imprisonment and violence towards the protesting monks only three years ago. I remember reading that the reason the monks staged the protests against the government was because they were the only dissenters who were not yet in prison. Nevertheless, I do find hope in Hilary's meeting with both the dictators and Aung San Suu Kyi.
All this brought memories bubbling up, and between that and talking to an old friend from SAS, I thought I'd post some pictures I took in Burma, and maybe a story or two. Its difficult to get a visa to Burma in the first place, but my art history professor had lived there for some seven years in the 1970s, and he greased the wheels. My strongest memory was driving past Aung San's house in Yangon, where she was currently under house arrest (I went in fall 2004). As tourists, we only saw what the government wanted us to see. Unlike China, where we were required to take government sponsored tours, we were generally free to wander around. Not so in Burma. We were literally herded here and there, so we only got to drive by her house for the briefest moment. Knowing that one of the world's bravest women was behind those doors, literally fighting for her people's rights, was deeply moving. Her house is situated on a tranquil lake, where there's so much green foliage tumbling from the ground into the water its hard to see where lake begins. On the other side of the lake I caught a glimpse, maybe only three seconds worth, of an extraordinary royal barge. It was massive, with golden dragons rearing their heads above water, golden pillars and purple curtains. It was like a dream, and summed up my whole experience in Burma - signs of significant oppression mingled with fantastical visions.
Then I took a flight in a rickety airplane (stocked with anti-western literature, that I wasn't allowed to take with me), to Bagan, land of a thousand shrines. I stayed in a teak cabin on the Irrawaddy River, and woke at dawn to see the sun rise over the myriad of shrines. I'll never forget that. People there lived not unlike their ancestors a hundred years ago or more, wearing the traditional clothing, and women with black hair reaching past their waist. One evening I saw a marionette show, which sounds childish, but it was cool. I ended up buying two antique puppets, that I cleaned up and restored a bit, and are very, very cool. I'll show you if you want to see them someday.
I could probably write a book about Burma, but I've found that nobody reads long blog posts, so I'll just put up some pictures.

turning down invitations

2011-12-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

We moved into a friendly and big-hearted neighborhood. It has been nothing but open arms and invitations in our ward. I've been invited to playdates, book clubs, parties....so why can't I muster up the momentum to throw myself into social life? I've been pondering why I am not more anxious to forge new friendships, especially considering my life right now. I little more adult conversation my way could do nothing but good.
I just can't seem to work up the energy to make new relationships. I can hardly keep up with my oldest friendships these days. Being social for me, in practically any setting, takes more energy away than it gives me. I've always felt guilty about this.
However, it is the exact opposite when I'm with a certain handful of friends, my 'kindred spirits.' I don't come across very many of these, so when I do, I hold tight. When I see them, I leave remembering the coolest parts of myself. But when it comes to trying to make new friends....I can't do it these days.
Trevor doesn't get it. I was invited to a book club today, and I just couldn't get excited about it. I know he would support me with whatever it is I want to do, but lately I just want to keep my energy reserve for social events that I know will amount to positive energy...namely, with kindred spirits.
I think I just need to be okay with this. I might be social again someday (not that I ever was in a large sense), but I think I need to do whatever it is that helps me most right now, even if that means turning down invitations.

crazier looking back, MO-JO and Beehive Bazaar!

2011-12-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

I realized a few days ago that when Jo and Millie were Hazel's age, I was pregnant with Hazel. It seems a lot crazier to me now looking back than it did when I was pregnant.

The nursery workers call the twins Mo-Jo. I think its kind of funny.

Beehive Bazaar tonight! I've become pretty darn good at staying in a budget. Last month we actually came in under budget, and put away a significant amount in savings. But when it comes to handmade, local items for my girls.......I get itchy. I'll just put my hands in my pockets and soak up some crafty inspiration.

baby bird

2011-12-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

Millie was playing with the trains, Hazel was gnawing on some baby toys, and Josephine was playing in the dollhouse upstairs in our magical playroom. When miraculous moments like this come my way, when all three girls are fed, changed, happy, quiet, playing, I frantically try to get some sewing done, with an energy not unlike a puppy let off a leach at the park. But I got distracted. Jo has officially moved from what I've been referring to as "The Caterpillar Stage" to the "Butterfly Room," a reference to Toy Story 3 (which I've seen more times than anyone should. I can quote every. single. line.) Anyway, I was watching her play in the dollhouse, entirely immersed in her own world, completely unaware of anyone else. She was playing with a tiny hand-made baby bird and a small Cinderella doll. Cinderella was carrying the little bird in her arms up the stairs and putting it to bed. The little bird would call out, "Water, mama-Cinderella!" Cinderella-mama would respond, "Okay, baby bird." She'd deliver the water, give her baby bird a kiss, and tuck her in. Then Cindy would return and cheerfully say, "Good morning, baby bird!"
Watching my little girl re-enact our daily routines in such loving little ways brought tears to my eyes. It was also a bit illuminating. When she was unconsciously choosing the toys that would represent mama and Jo, she chose Cinderella for me, and a baby bird for her. She didn't choose a human baby, and that is so how she sees herself! She is always a puppy, a kitty, a baby mouse, baby bird or baby monkey all day long.
It brought home to me that when she sees adult behavior, its not necessarily her first reaction to want to do that. She doesn't see herself as a little person learning to be an adult. She's a baby bird, and mama is fundamentally different. It gives me more compassion and patience for her behavior, and reminds me to cherish her sweet imagination and innocence, and enjoy this sweet baby bird before she does grow up.

new toys!

2011-12-05T21:18:00.002-07:00

Before we had kids, we got so much unsolicited advice, warnings, blah blah blahs everywhere we turned. However, no one warned me about how much fun it is to give new toys to your kids. Holy cow. I love to give them surprises.
Like everything else, I have to do it on the cheap. But at this age they couldn't care less if it came from DI or if I made it for them. I'm making their Christmas presents (pictures pending), and I can hardly wait to see their little faces light up Christmas morning.

cook, there's nothing else to do

2011-12-05T15:25:00.001-07:00

I've spent obscene amounts of time in the kitchen lately, cooking. Chalk it up to being bored with no spending money and housebound. Its something I can actually kind of do when the kids are awake. I've been checking out cookbooks from the library like nobody's business. Recipe hunting online, ripping out pages of magazines, trying all sorts of crazy things with out of the way ingredients. Its making my husband very, very happy. My most recent successes? Sarah Foster's Bread Pudding, Sweet Potato and Mushroom Marsala, Turkey Soup, Chicken Thighs with Wild Rice and Grapes (Trev's favorite), and oh so much bread. I'm not even mentioning desserts.
I never cared for cooking up to this point in my life because it felt like too much effort for something so short lived. But heck, when you've got the time and nothing else to do, I say...cook!
On the menu tonight: mango-salsa chicken enchiladas...with loads of cheese.

honey over vinegar

2011-11-30T20:29:00.001-07:00

I had one of my more brilliant ideas today. I took the girls here. I'm not exaggerating when I say they have never had more fun anywhere, ever. They wore themselves plum out, a herculean feat; in fact in the two and a half years of our life together I've never seen them poop out. Pretty sure we're going to start budgeting $6 a week to let them run, jump, climb and bounce indoors while the backyard hibernates...

In the two hours we were there this morning, we were alone except for a boisterous group of teenage boys who were having a break from drug rehab. Their language was foul, and not only was I bothered but I didn't want the twins to pick up on it. But these poor souls are being reformed by adults all around them, and being told what to do twenty four hours of the day, and I just didn't want to be that mom. So I had another good idea. "Hey guys, when you dive from the trapeze there, can you do a Tarzan call? It would make my girls' day. They're obsessed with Tarzan and if you did it when you flew through the air, wow, it'd make them happy." It did make the twins happy, and the obliging fellows were polite and I didn't hear another foul word. Honey over vinegar, ever time...

bread of life

2011-11-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

I may blow up turkeys, but I make great bread. I haven't bought a loaf since we moved here. This recipe is pretty foolproof. I make it twice a week usually. Leftovers makes great French toast...

does it even need a caption?

2011-11-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Took almost as long to clean the mess as would have to roast the bird.

Oh, and did I mention it was a brand new stove? As in, installed yesterday, new? Brand spanking clean? That is, until I thought I would roast a turkey in a Pyrex baking dish, instead of buying a stupid roasting pan.

times infinity and beyond...

2011-11-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

I bought a set of Buzz Lightyear pajamas and a set of Snow White pajamas today. While Snow White and Buzz are nearly equal in the pantheon of my children's favorite characters, apparently they are not equal in jammies. I learned the hard way that Buzz PJs are cooler, times infinity and beyond...
Post bath, and not thinking about who I put in what, I dress Amelia in Snow White, and then Jo in Buzz. I watched as Millie's eyes grew as big as saucers when she saw the coolness of the Buzz jammies. I could read her every thought in her face. I knew what was next - "Mama - Buzz? Please, mama? Buzz jammies, mama?" Her heart broke when I told her I only had one Buzz jammies. Honestly it was the saddest I've ever seen her. What was I thinking?! Of course they'd BOTH want to be Buzz! Well, I know what I was thinking. "Oh, what sweet Snow White jammies!" Stupid, stupid!
Slumped shoulders and head drooped, Millie moped away. My head's buzzing with thoughts like "Oh my gosh - some psychiatrist down the road is going to ask her 'When did you start feeling like your mother loved your twin more than you?' And she'll answer, 'I don't know, but whenever I see Buzz Lightyear I feel pangs of jealousy..."
Suddenly I thought of a great compromise - Jo would have to let Millie wear the Buzz jammie pants, but keep the shirt. If I pulled the pants as high as they'd go, about her tummy level, it would look to her like she's wearing Buzz jammies too if she looked down. It worked. All night long they ran around the house saving the universe together.

addendum

2011-11-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

So I should add an addendum to my last post - like I said in my comments - I don't think militant feminists have fun. Militant, purists, obsessive anythings don't have fun. I spent two weeks straight with the most intense feminist I've ever met, and I can tell you, she wasn't having fun.

the disney princess debate

2011-11-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

If you're a mother of girls, it feels like the "Disney Princess Debate" is huge, and e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e has an opinion about it. I've had some people ask me about it, and after some reading, thinking and percolating, here's what I think.
I read about this study done with girls ages 6 and younger dealing with body image and watching Disney princess movies. For brevity's sake, I'll just mention the results, which showed no link between young girls' body image and watching Disney princesses. The biggest factor in forming their self image was the parents. If the subjects' parents were obsessed with their weight and body image and were constantly talking about it to others, the little girl picked up on it.
A third of the girls in the study said they wanted a slimmer figure (!). This is girls 6 and under, peeps! I absolutely know that media has an influence on the conscious and subconscious minds of children, which is why I'm incredibly picky about what comes in my house, in all media types. However, I think that blaming Disney princesses for the body image issues of young women is just an easy scape goat. There are hundreds of reasons why women have body image issues, media is obviously one of the biggest factors.
I know the feminist arguments against fairy tales. Ariel giving up her voice to attract her prince, relying only her physical beauty, sends off feminist alarm bells a la the femi-Nazi in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. But once you start picking apart the world that way, where do you stop? I think it just sucks the fun right out of things. I don't think feminists have much fun.
Here's my plan. Raising children is difficult, and raising my three sweet chicas to have solid self-esteem is probably my number one goal, after having faith in God. I'm very careful about what I say around them, even at their age. I have been working very hard on changing my own self-image by thinking, "Would I want my girls to be thinking that of themselves?" every time I start berating my post-three-babies body. If I am self-confident, they will be.
I pretended to be Snow White for probably two straight years of my childhood, and I just don't think it damaged me. I think the unwholesome media directed at teens is a much, much greater worry than the sweetness of Disney princesses. So, if Millie sings "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" and twirls, I'm not going to worry that much. If she starts wanting to marry a vampire, I will :).
I tell each of my beauties every night when I cuddle them in their bed, "You are beautiful. You are my perfect little girl and I love you." Loving them with all my heart is the best I can do for them, and carefully choosing what comes in to our house will protect them from things they don't have to deal with yet. But in the meantime, we'll still be watching Rapunzel.

a stitch in time

2011-11-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love most about sewing is how it connects me to my community; in particular two connections have meant a lot to me lately. There is a fabulous fabric shop just a few blocks away from my house, the Corn Wagon, where I've been shopping for years. I adore every single woman who works there. I ask them about their sons going on missions or their sons' girlfriends, and they ask me about my girls and how my sewing project turned out. Its so homey and inviting, and I appreciate my friendships there. I tell them about my projects and they want to see pictures when its done. Its a wonderful place, and if you're in town you should definitely stop by.
About a month after we moved to our house, the Relief Society president announced that there was a lady in the ward with huge amounts of lace she's anxious to get rid of. Vintage lace. My hand shot up before she was even done talking. "Yes, I will happily, happily take some old lace. Please. Yes." And that's how I met Alice, an 82-year-old widow who lives right down the corner from me. I chatted with her after the meeting and set up a time for me to come by. At her house, I spent nearly an hour listening to her tell me about her children and their children, and most of all about her husband who died fourteen years ago. She told me about how they met in high school, at the first assembly the football team jaunted on stage and she whispered to her friend, "I wouldn't mind meeting him!" Her friend answered, "I can help with that - he's my cousin!" They married after graduation when he was on furlough from Germany, and had five children. I saw her pictures.
She sewed all five of her children's clothes, and her own. Wow. She was giving me the lace because she didn't sew any more. I, of course, vigorously thanked her for her generosity, and talked about how much I love sewing and sewing clothes for my girls. The lace would not go to waste! Subsequent Sundays (she works the phone board at the hospital, just like she did during World War II and afterward), we always talk a bit. Then she asked me to come to her house and help her set up her old sewing machine, because after talking to me she wanted to start again! Was I only too happy to help.
We have a sweet friendship, and it means a lot to me to have a friend in the ward. She recently knitted my girls some hats, which they wore to bed (no kidding.) I think she's a bit lonely with her children gone, and no one but her cats as company on some days. Its nice for me to know you can survive having multiple children in quick succession (hers were a year apart!), and it helps me remember to enjoy every day of being with my little girls.

the meaning of sacrifice

2011-11-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't go so far as to call it an identity crisis, but I've been struggling a lot lately with the question of what defines me. The issue can be neatly packaged in this scenario: the Bishop told us we will speak in church soon (not sure when exactly, but he gave us a heads up) and of course they want us to introduce our family. I've been struggling to think of how I would introduce myself to an audience. Would I talk about the things I've done in the past that have shaped who I am? Namely, world travel, art, master's degree, independent bookstores? Or the things that define me now? Children, domesticity, sewing? The things I used to love and that used to be the biggest parts of my identity are almost universally absent now. I can't travel. I can't teach or go to classes. I can't really go anywhere with the little ones at this stage. I do still go to museums and keep up with art history through reading, but not nearly as much as I would like to.
I know this sounds like navel-gazing, maybe verging on egotistical. But when my kids are asleep and I can write a blog post, its okay a little bit. I miss my old life, but I have embraced my new role with vigor and hope and love, and definitely with my whole heart. But it makes me wonder, do we spend eternity changing and changing with every new situation, or do we adapt to situations but never actually change who we are? Am I still going to love everything I used to when the children are older, or am I going to be an entirely different person? I'm not sure if my new role as a stay-at-home mother is changing me, or if I'm changing to fit my new role.
I'm starting to think the answer is to let go. To bid adieu to what used to be my motivators, since they are not accessible to me now, and take in the new ones. Find new ways to keep myself energized. Revel in domesticity, and the centuries of women before me who have done the exact same thing I'm doing. In essence, (maybe temporally, or maybe for good) give up my old passions because I can't do anything about them now, and find new ones. I think I'll be happier if I do.
I guess some feminists might see this as a defeat, but its not like I haven't achieved what I wanted to in life. I sailed around the world, for heaven's sake. But this is the role Heavenly Father wants me to have, and I know that with certainty. I know my children need me, and that is the most important thing of all. Sacrificing for them is worth it; its worth everything.

love this house

2011-11-04T14:32:00.000-06:00

I really can't count the times Trevor and I have turned and said to each other, "I love this house." We really, really do. We are doing a lot of changes, and it might be the most fun Trev and I have had together since we got married. Choosing colors, trying ideas, measuring, taping, painting, changing. I'm a happy home owner.

Several practical and well meant individuals warned us against buying a house that's more than 100 years old. They absolutely have a point, its amazing how expensive it can be ($700 electrician's bill to update some wiring....oy!), but I can't tell you how much I love the bits and pieces left over from long ago. The coal chute, boxes from the Bell Company that went out in the 1970's, and of course, the carriage house with its fat, rusty nails that were certainly hammered out by a blacksmith, the smattering of old horse shoes, the screen door from a by gone era. I love looking out my bedroom window and seeing the mountain, the carriage house, and the tree fort. Love the angled ceilings upstairs, the creaky floors, and thinking about how someone probably watched the lunar landing in the same room I'm watching tv.

We might be starting the last stage of the hallway this weekend, I'm dying to see it finished!

girlies, power and progress

2011-11-02T14:16:00.000-06:00

I joked with my mom about six months ago that it didn't matter if I had had twin boys or girls, because the twins are totally tomboys, but over the past month I've noticed some gradual changes towards the girly side of things. They love having their toenails painted. They are starting to nurture their toys, being 'little mamas.' Now I wish that nurturing extended to their baby sister, but so far its only their special toys. They love sparkly shoes, and Millie (with no help from me) calls them her "Cinderella Shoes." They still act like monkeys or puppies for 70% of the day, but I love watching these subtle changes.

The power was out for most of the morning. It brought home to me how parenting is truly possible without the television to distract your children, but taking a shower is not. It also reminded me of my old house in Hawaii, where the power would routinely go out, for whole days at a time. Out came the candles, and the fridge door stayed shut. Sometimes I'm sad my kids won't grow up in the same house I did, with the beach in the backyard and abandoned military bunkers to explore. As great as Utah is, its not quite Hawaii for a childish imagination.

Speaking of power, WOW, the terrible twos are aptly named. Millie especially turns everything into a power struggle, from eating her food to getting her shoes on to my efforts at potty training. I have to choose my battles with her, and I try to let her do as much by herself as possible, even if it means her failing and getting frustrated. And Jo, her power struggles have more to do with my attention, which is spread awfully thin between three babies. She's started shouting "LOOK AT ME MAMA!!!!" if I'm ignoring her, to say, change a diaper. Its as obnoxious as it sounds.

I've made some good progress lately in how to keep myself energized despite spending *literally* 11-12 hours a day non-stop with three wee babes. It has involved a lot of prayer and huge amounts of emotional effort on my part, but its working. That's another blog post for another naptime :).

I think Belle needs breakfast...

2011-10-20T19:45:00.000-06:00

With my Disney dollars (free money for using a Disney credit card,) I bought the girls these dolls for two reasons. 1. I thought they were cute. 2. I could think of a lot of ways to do imaginative play with them. This is a long vid, I'm mostly posting it for Trev to see at work. A couple of things to notice if you do watch it: Millie's nurturing side, how they grab the dolls by the hair, how Millie says "Good Morning" (SO STINKING CUTE), and how Jo pretends to be Pluto (which she does all day now).

I have 10 minutes to write a blog post

2011-10-18T16:11:00.000-06:00

These were the words that came out of my mouth from about 5 AM to about 9:00:

"Trev - can you get Hazel? I didn't sleep till about 1."
"Thanks honey."
"Don't fall asleep, you have to nurse on both sides."
"Honey don't you have to get to work early today? Its passing 7."
"Bye....love you."
"Morning girls. You have to be quiet because Hazel is asleep."
"SHHHHHH!"
"Mama can sleep until Curious George is done."
"I'll make you breakfast after C.G."
"I'll make you breakfast after C.G."
"I'll make you breakfast after C.G."
"I'll make you breakfast after C.G."
"OUCH, Millie! I was asleep! Don't jump on me!"
"I'll make you breakfast after C.G."
"Okay, its over."
"I'm making you Cream of Wheat, give me a minute."
"You have to wait a minute."
"You have to wait a minute."
"You have to wait a minute."
"Its hot, don't touch it."
"HOT, Jo! Blow on it!"
"Who wants some milk?"
"You need to drink it like a person, not a puppy."
"Clean up the mess on the floor with this."
"Good morning, sweet baby."
"Please don't throw your breakfast."
"Don't spit out your milk."
"Don't hit Jo with your spoon."
"Girls I'm tired, can you give me a break? Its only.....9 am."

a good weekend

2011-10-17T15:36:00.000-06:00

We spent the weekend at home, updating and upgrading! Trevor finished 90% of the painting in the hallway, but those pictures later with the finished product. This is what else we did:

Depressing, ill-fitting fabric on the kitchen bench? Be gone!

And the best part is that its laminated, so I can just wipe off those two-year-old face wipes and sticky fingers...

My personal favorite fix-up this weekend. My relationship with this 1970s, London-Lounge-Era hideous heater has been laced with hate since first we met. Not only has it scratched the twins, but it was a potential fire danger if you have toddlers like mine. I've had the measurements in my head for months, and I've kept my eyes out for something interesting to put in place of this ugly heater. It had to accomplish several things besides fill the fireplace gap, it had to be baby-proof and attractive. That's a tall order.

But, lo! My bike ride to a flea market Saturday morning yielded a good find:

Its actually an antique medicine cabinet, turned on its side. Wide enough, but not tall enough, so we filled the gap with these beautiful old books I've been carting around since my Read Leaf days. Trev and I reconfigured the books several times to get the right 'bohemian' feel.

How did we accomplish so much, you may ask? My spectacular brother and sister took the twins off our hands for half of Saturday, God bless 'em.

mais, pourquoi?

2011-10-14T15:13:00.001-06:00

As long as I can remember, I have been an undeniable Francophile. I started taking French lessons in sixth grade and took them right through graduate school, even wrote my Master's thesis on French medieval tapestries which required about 30% of the reading in French. I have collected French books, music and movies since I was twelve. French food, French fashion, French culture, all of it. Its not even conscious anymore, its like I'm magnetic to French things.
Mais, pourquoi? Why do I love it all so much? I realized that I had something of the French language in every room in my house, which made me start wondering why. I asked my mom, and she said its just because that's what I am. Maybe I was a Frenchie in another life. I don't know why. Its terribly predictable though, and something of a trademark in my family that gets its fair share of gentle ribbing.

Which brings me to my next French inspired point. I recently read this book about French culture, in which there was a whole chapter about how French women handle their body image. It was so exactly how I feel about my own body that it was a relief to know women elsewhere feel the same way. In essence the author wrote about how French women don't find enough pleasure in the hard-core high-energy spandex-y work outs that American women so often do. A French woman won't tell you she's on a diet. There was a lot about French sexuality that I also really resonated with, but I won't, *ahem,* discuss that in public. I just think I could move to France tomorrow and I would fit better than in American culture.

I need sensual joys in my life, and I find it in the wind whooshing past my ears on bike rides or swimming, but I've always detested anything that resembles something you'd be forced to do in high school gym. Granted, all French women smoke, and its keeps them thinner and able to, you know, eat creme brulee and chocolate without as much consequence :).

Anyway. I guess my question is why do we love what we love? Or why is there an entire culture that has had me captivated and emulating my whole life, and will forever. Mmm...what do you think?

Sunday Sacrament Circus! Featuring Jo-Jo the Chimp and Millie the Kid!

2011-10-10T16:17:00.000-06:00

Jo and Millie always want to help themselves to the sacrament bread and water at church. I finally thought this week they might be old enough, and seen the pattern often enough, to able to handle it on their own....

Millie took a cup from the tray, crouched on the ground with her head between her legs, and stuck the whole cup in her mouth. Then in one springing jump she bolted up, threw her head back with her arms at her side, like she'd been planning this move for months. She of course choked on the water, spluttering all over the poor little deacon's pants. In the ten seconds it took Millie to perform this trick, Jo had taken not two but three more little cups to drink, spilling her old water into all the cups she passed on the tray. Because she was thirsty, and one teensy cup of water didn't quench.

I was horrified! But also trying to stifle my laughter! Afterward Trevor called Millie's sacrament drinking move her 'Free Willy.' What was she thinking? You'd think I hadn't taught them any manners at all! I was laughing so hard I almost had to leave. Trevor was shaking trying to keep it in. I mean, why? Why would she drink it like that? Nearly every week in the past year and half she has quietly taken her cup and sipped it. I give her a chance to do it on her own, and wow! She turns it into a roadside circus!

I swear my kids are crazier than any I've ever met. And its not like I am not trying, or sit them in front of the tv so much that when they're off they go nuts. They are just wild, a la Max in Where the Wild Things Are. I really think its a twin thing, because every mother of twins I talk to has the same story.

And they're up from their nap....time to let the animals out of their cages.

more mobility

2011-10-04T15:51:00.001-06:00

I think its impossible for people to understand why it is so difficult to go places with the three chiclets. Until, that is, you actually go somewhere with me with them. Then you see one screaming crazy toddler running one direction, one monkey toddler running another, and one angelic, but twenty-two pound, babe in arms. I can't go anywhere with only one stroller because Hazel is too big for me to strap to my body and chase the twins.
So I rarely leave the house. Like, maybe once a week, peeps. I have groceries delivered. We do a lot of toddler art projects and creative indoor play, and we take full advantage of a huge yard. But even with all my creativity, as a former world-traveler, I get cagey. Crazy sometimes. I read as much as I can and kind of go on mental 'holidays' and watch a lot of foreign films, but some days (like yesterday) I just can't stand it. But I have to rely on other people to come with me to go anywhere! I have to plan with Trevor, my mom or my sister to go anywhere. Spontaneous trips are not in my realm of possibilities, even to the park.*
I've been thinking hard about what I can do about this, because I'm pretty sure I will eventually snap before they turn 5 if I don't have some mobility. Then I though - a triple stroller! Of course. Then they will all have a place I can strap them in, and no babe-in-arms. I will still have racing twins, but I won't have to hold Hazel while chasing them.
But, ah! They are nearing $300! No way, Jose! So to KSL I turned, and found this. If it rolls, its good enough. We are meeting at BYU for the exchange. Which is perfect, because I will very soon have circulation privileges again at the HBLL (not a student again, but a Friend of the Library!)

So here's to slightly more mobility, and some academic reading ahead of me.

*Last time I went to the park alone, I lost Millie in the parking lot while chasing Jo who was running full tilt in the opposite direction. I got dirty looks from this very calm mother (of ONE) for yelling for them. I was about to drop some foul language in that lady's smug little lap.

monkey jo

2011-10-03T13:08:00.000-06:00

Jo spends much of her day pretending to be a monkey. In some ways its great because Monkey Jo does things that Real Jo typically doesn't. "Monkey - can you clean up the playdoh?" "Monkey Jo, can you eat a banana?" "Monkey Jo, can you take a nap?" It only gets tiresome when she communicates with just "oo-oo's" and "ah-aaaah's." She will also climb on anything she can. Because monkeys climb, mama! Those times I wish she was a different critter - like, oh, a manatee or a three-fingered sloth. I do love watching her imagination work. I gotta get her up to the zoo to see some real live monkeys. She'd probably climb in there with them.

a new dream...

2011-09-26T11:23:00.000-06:00

Something I've been looking forward to for a long, long time has come and gone. Now I'm trying not to be too sad its over and get my energy back up. Trevor reminded me of Flynn's line in 'Tangled,' "The the good part I guess - you get to find a new dream!"

my inner bohemian

2011-09-25T19:43:00.000-06:00

There are a few women in my ward my age or younger, with kids too. They are sweet and friendly, and they act so...mature. Like I feel like a teenager when I talk to them. They wear grown up clothes and its just in the way they talk. I feel like having three kids makes me grown up, and that I should be mature like these sisters. But I'm so not there. I still want to do crazy things. I still want to travel to crazy places and rock concerts and stay up way too late doing dumb things. I'm only 26, for gosh sakes! Why do I have to feel old just because I have a house and three kids? I just see these other women and how they act like experienced mothers, and I feel like I have more in common with the single college kids...Or like I want to interject into their very adult, and sometimes dull, conversation "I once swam naked in the Amazon river. That was wild."
I don't know. I don't think I'll ever feel old or mature like that. Just because I can't do as many crazy things because I do have these kids, it doesn't mean I can't make plans for when they're older, and do interesting things right now. Like read a book on Istanbul's markets, or visit the Hare Krishna temple. Its not that I feel social pressure to act as they do, just that I'm surprised by it, and don't feel quite like I fit in with them. Which is okay. We're all happy in our own spheres. And I have no intention of ever acting "old."

Lately

2011-09-18T15:13:00.000-06:00

Thankfully, we are all faring much better than last I wrote, thanks to modern medicine and some Nutella to hide it in :).

I've been reading poetry by Elizabeth Bishop. Cleaning out the car. Sewing clothes for the girls for the colder months ahead. Cleaning the house. Letting the girls paint and make a mess. Changing so many diapers. Watching a lot of princess movies. Dancing. Eating Trevor's incredible smoothies that just seem to be getting better and better with each batch. Finished watching "The Monster of Crater Lake" by RiffTrax, which made Trev and I laugh so hard we almost woke up the children. Lately we've all been happy.

some days are like that...

2011-09-14T20:21:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that having two two-year-olds and one 7-month-old baby is really, really hard? Its so much harder than anything else I've ever done. WAY harder than a Master's thesis or working a full time job or literally anything else.
Without sounding puffed up, 90% of the time I truly enjoy all of it. I love watching them learn new things, their creative imaginations, their magical world. Love playing outside with them, crafting, cooking, playing, being a stay-at-home-mom. And who couldn't love Hazel? I know this is where I want to be and I don't want anyone else doing it.
But....add a first tooth coming in, a butt-kicking bout of mastitis, and two toddlers who just don't stop moving, and that can add up to a pretty bad day, peeps. Plus the weather is turning cooler and I'm grumpy about it. Can't send the girls outside in naught but diapers.

I do have some wonderful things to look forward to, and I just finished sewing myself a lovely dress that I can't wait to sport at church on Sunday! And, I have a terrific husband. About two years ago for Christmas he gave me a beautiful silver Art Nouveau hair pin. It was my most favorite thing I owned. I lost it about six weeks ago, and I have spent hours looking for it. I'm so afraid it got thrown out, or fell out of my purse in some parking lot, or is lost in some corner I'll never find it. I've actually been praying to help me get over losing it, because I'm starting to suspect I'll never see it again. I'm tearful. So Trevor bought me another one as "a place holder" until we find the other one. He gave it to me today and it is lovely.

an apprecitated reprieve

2011-09-08T14:32:00.000-06:00

I had an extremely difficult summer. Some apparent hardships: buying a house, moving, Trevor losing his job and searching for another, and, hardest of all, my grandfather's passing. But there were several things that happened that aren't apparent, and I likely won't ever talk about with anyone. But I feel like we're through the thick of it, and I've been enjoying a quiet couple of weeks. My best friend came to visit. The wee girls and I have been spending some good time outside. I've been really happy, and occasionally I want to look up to the heavens and say, "Let this stay for a while - I'm happy." I'm not holding my breath for the next inevitable trial, but after what I've been through the last few months I'm grateful for a cheerful reprieve, and I'll take it for all that its worth!

A perfect portrait of my girls

2011-09-06T15:47:00.000-06:00

We were painting outside this morning, the girls stripped down to their diapers. They think its hilarious to paint on each other, so they were blue and green head-to-toe. Then they were twirling and singing "Once Upon a Dream," or at least their sweet sing song version. Then they spent the rest of the morning wearing their new monkey masks running around pretending to be monkeys. So quintessential Jo and Millie. I love their active imaginations and the creative world they live in. Their vocabulary is exploding, and the better we communicate the happier we all are. I've been waking with joy in my heart the past week, excited to see what they will do and learn everyday.

summer wardrobe ruins

2011-09-05T15:19:00.000-06:00

I took a good hard look at the twins' wardrobe today, and besides their Sunday dresses, I don't think I'll be saving any of it for Hazel. Their shirts are ripped, have little holey-holes, stained with dirt and oreos and who knows what, greyed and sunfaded. I wouldn't even give them to DI. I think they will go straight in the trash once the weather turns cooler. I won't even mention my own clothes.

We're undertaking major changes yet again in our new house. The nearly-seventy-year-old, dirty, drab, brown, textured wallpaper has been torn off the walls, and it took almost two whole days of scraping to get the glue off. I can't take any credit for this, my mom and sister-in-law did this part. Now Trev is taping, priming and painting it. I have some seriously cute ideas for our little hallway, and I'm getting antsy to see it all put together. I will post before and after pictures, once the after has happened :).

summer

2011-08-31T23:34:00.000-06:00

Does summer ever have to end? Really? I feel like everyone around me is ready for fall, Halloween, etc. I just look at my twins and wonder how I'll ever do another winter indoors! If I hadn't had a childhood in Hawaii, I probably wouldn't think that an ever-summer is possible...

Dear Gerard...

2011-08-16T18:52:00.000-06:00

I have a big crush on Gerard Depardieu. Trevor knows about it, but somehow I still feel guilty. Probably because my heartbeat speeds up when he enters the scene. One of my favorite dreams I've ever had was the one when Gerard helped me clean out my closet. Well, mostly he sat in a rocking chair with a pipe reading a newspaper and when I'd pick up a piece of old clothing and asked him, "Do I really want this anymore?" He'd distractedly look up from the paper and say, with his marvelous sexy French accent, "No, cheri, you do not wear it anymore." I don't know what it is, maybe because he's French, big chested, maybe its because I always looooove his characters...I thought maybe if I admitted it to the cyberworld my guilt would ease.

these are a few of my favorite things...

2011-08-15T10:09:00.000-06:00

We've had some tough toddler days of late. It helps to remember my favorite new things they are doing.
Jo: When she says "Come on!" when she's trying to get you to go somewhere with her. She either says it with a cute little lilt, or with total impatience. She's also got some seriously cute freckles. She's so fair, she gets these sweet tiny freckles across her nose.
Millie: Whenever she sees any baby animal (especially yellow lab puppies) she exclaims: "Its cuuuuu-Yuuuuute!" and tilts her head and coos over it. She is one big animal lover. I want to get her a dog. I also love the way she says "Good Morning" when I come to get her in the mornings. Its like she doesn't get the consonants right, and its just so cute.
Hazel: Whenever I put her on top of our bed, she knows its her one-on-one time with me, and she gets so excited. All her little limbs flail and she lets out these yips of giddiness. I'm pretty sure if every baby came like Hazel, there would be peace on earth.

natives

2011-08-05T19:26:00.000-06:00

Since we bought this house, the twins have spent enormous amounts of time in the yard. They've started...getting wilder. My mom says "they're going native." Trevor says they are turning into Lord of the Flies. Reminds me of Where the Wild Things Are, as Max's room transforms into "the world all around him," his wicked grin getting wider and wider. Sticks, dirt, bugs, irrigation, sunshine, grass, shovels, buckets...

This evening they were romping in the northeast section of the backyard, the part with the patch of plain ole dirt near the irrigation ditch. They were grabbing fistfuls of dirt and releasing them onto each others' heads, gleeful giggles all around. Oh, and they were stark naked. And I thought, its happened. The yard has claimed them for its own. I didn't take a picture.

a picture of peace

2011-08-04T15:38:00.000-06:00

Naptime...my favorite part of the day. Jo and Millie are sequestered in their rooms, and after (usually) 30 minutes of romping, they fall asleep in sticky toddler piles on their beds. Hazel nurses and naps with me on our bed, a picturesque little angel getting her necessary skin-to-skin and alone time with me. The house is quiet except for the sweet sound of rain falling on the roof. Quiet snuggles with Hazel. Mmmmm........

And then, *sigh*, they are all awake, and the circus starts again. Thank you for naps, Father in Heaven!

a portrait of my morning

2011-07-29T11:36:00.000-06:00

Everyone was fed, clean, dressed, changed, happily watching a Donald Duck cartoon. I went to the basement to start a load of laundry. I was gone for approximately 4 minutes. Returning upstairs reveals Hazel bawling (probably from a sister taking her toy) with snot running down her chin, Millie shoving objects into the VCR, and Jo whining and whining for an Oreo. I pacify them with cookies, crayons and coloring, and some banana baby food for Hazel. Jo cries for some milk with her cookie. I leave Hazel to pour Jo a cup, and in the meantime Hazel knocks off her baby food into the air vent, and Millie colors all over the table legs. I clean up, get Hazel to take her morning nap, and throw the girls outside to finger paint. I run after Millie to stop her climbing the neighbor's ladder, and Jo runs into the house (trailing paint) to wake up Hazel.

I know I should find humor in mornings like these, to embrace the chaos, but some mornings I just can't, and cry instead.

as promised....

2011-07-26T19:12:00.000-06:00

The girls' bedroom....

harry potter

2011-07-16T21:46:00.000-06:00

*Sigh*......Harry Potter is over. There won't be any more movies or book releases. I just don't think there will ever be anything like this in my lifetime. Being a bookseller for the release of books five, six and seven, I was part of the whole Harry tidal wave, and loved it. I started reading them when the second book was released, and felt like that generation of kids who 'grew up' along with Harry. I really liked the last movie, I thought it was the best of all of them, but I'm so sad its over. Even if there is another book that captures the world's imagination like Harry Potter, it won't be the same. No one stays up all night to get a digital release of a book. It won't be a community event if bookstores become a thing of the past. I guess I'll miss the pageantry, and all those enthusiasts dressed up in school robes and make-up lightening scars.

But you know what I have to look forward to? Reading it to my kids, and discovering it again through their eyes.

buoys

2011-07-10T00:13:00.000-06:00

Had a lovely soiree with some kindred spirits this evening, with fancy fare like San Pelligrino, cheese and bread. The kind of friends where it doesn't matter how long its been since you last saw each other, you still feel close, and you only quit talking because you're too tired to keep going. We've been friends for years, and what stood out to me this evening was how we've increasingly had to face life's ugly parts as we get older. Things that can leave one embittered, cynical. All four of us however haven't succumbed to it, and its got me wondering why. Is it faith? Is it upbringing? What keeps us buoyed against the saddest parts of life? I don't know. I decided a long time ago that seeking magic is what keeps me afloat. Magic of all sorts. Keeping wonder in everyday living. But what is it for others?

I'm grateful to know people like them, to have kindred spirits, and the kind of conversation that leaves you thinking for days afterward.

housey-house

2011-07-08T16:59:00.000-06:00

For my dear friends who shan't be coming to visit soon, here are some long-awaited pictures of our new house.

Kitchen:

Our clock:

Sometimes I think everyone should come to earth with a twin...

Living room:

Creative room, with my sewing machine!

More is on the way....

la maison de jo & millie, and a red neck roller coaster

2011-07-04T22:36:00.001-06:00

My grandpa had four last requests. One of them was to buy Jo and Millie something to play with in the yard. I chose a playhouse, which Trevor and my dad spent half of today building, to marvelous results!

And well, we had some fun with the lawn mower. We call it "red neck roller coaster."

happy times

2011-06-23T14:16:00.000-06:00

Despite a lot of shared family sadness, a lot of the perfunctory craziness of moving, we have been overjoyed with our new house. We love the house itself, with magical nooks and quirks, but the yard...the yard the yard the yard. Today has been the first day spent inside (due to a frustrating, sleeping-depriving, Millie-crying-till-3-AM illness!). Even spending everyday outside the girls still haven't explored every part of the yard. Its been wonderful to open the doors and let 'em loose. Millie especially adores her mudpie kitchen. There have even been a couple of times in the past week when I could sit with Hazel in my lap, and read. Read a book. Summer outdoor reading is happiness for me!

death

2011-06-18T18:56:00.000-06:00

It is dawning on me that my grandma will never be the same. Naively I thought that somehow things would return to normal, with one conspicuous absence. I'm not even sure she really hears me right now...dealing with too much internally, having too much to think about with out-of-town family. She just seems somehow....grayer. The color has gone out of her cheeks and the twinkle from her eye. It hurts. And there's just nothing we can do for her, literally nothing we can really do to assuage the pain away. Its things like taking away grandpa's shoes, his hats, sending death certificates to the cable company, moving furniture, sleeping alone.....its just all too much.

This has been my first experience with death, and I certainly feel like it has added depth to my character...but I still wish it hadn't. Its been awful.

James Martin Priest

2011-06-09T15:20:00.000-06:00

My grandpa died today. We've known for years that his body wasn't long for this world....but I was emotionally unprepared for this. I was very close to him, and spent time with him and my grandma every week, either at family Sunday dinners or I would take the twins over to visit them. The girls just adored my grandpa, he had them trained to know exactly where the cookie jar was :). I knew if I brought them over to visit I shouldn't plan on feeding them anything else the rest of the day. All during my undergraduate and master's degrees my grandparents worked in the third floor of the library and I would stop by, eat lunch with them, chat....They have never seemed 'old' to me.

When others have told me about their loved ones passing away, I usually think about how leaving a body in pain for a better place isn't a bad thing. And it isn't. But experiencing it is different. What hurts is all the things we won't be able to share with him anymore. He won't be there at dinner to make us laugh with his stories. My daughters won't grow up knowing him. What hurts most is worrying about my grandma. They did absolutely everything together, and like she told me yesterday, when you're one, you're one. I don't know how she will do with this.

Three days ago I was visiting with them at the hospital (my sweet sis was in the car with the three lassies watching Toy Story) and the nurses had to insert a new IV into his arm that went straight to his heart. They asked me to hold his hand, and seeing him in that much pain wrenched my heart. Oh I cried and cried. I'm glad such a great soul isn't shackled to his body anymore, but I will miss him. The last three days I've just sat with my grandma and cried with her, and then we'd both try to cheer each other up....

My heart feels like lead in my chest, and I've been so weepy I am starting to feel numb. I'm worried about my dad. I've never seen him so sad. He's had to wear a lot of hats this week: doctor, dad, family leader, support. This is hard.

Grandpa was the most charitable person I have ever known. Both my grandparents gave whatever they could whenever they could, and selflessly helped everyone. I'm not saying this through the lens of grief or remembering things more fondly than they were, but grandma and grandpa are the closest to perfect I think you can get in this life. I mean that.

I'm trying to let myself grieve but also keep taking care of my girls, and keep unpacking. Its strange how having this house has been one of the happiest times of my life, watching the girls play in the yard and the joy that we've had owning our own place, has been coupled with undoubtedly one of the saddest times of my life. Its like both end of my emotional experience have been stretched.

This next little while will be really hard, for everyone, and I'll try to be a cheerful support as best I can, especially to my dear grandma. Distractions are a good thing.

On top of everything else, its Daina's seventeenth birthday. Poor kid. But I told her we're going to have a 'make-up' birthday, in Disneyland. We'll sing 'Happy Birthday' to her in line for the new Little Mermaid ride. I wouldn't be surprised if after everything has calmed down, we make a break for the happiest place on earth.

moving reveals my lifelong affair with fruity desserts; moving tomorrow; musn't love dogs

2011-06-03T23:33:00.000-06:00

I must be deeply psychologically influenced by pie. I noticed that every room color I chose corresponds to a pie: kitchen, banana cream. Girls' room, lemon meringue. Play room/Sewing room: key lime. They all make me happy, both the color and pie. Yummm......

Tomorrow we move. The Elder's Quorum is coming and everything. Weird to think this will be our last night here. I am so worn out, peeps. We're all really excited. I am mostly excited to experience being a mother to toddlers without having to worry about them ruining someone else's house. My housekeeping goals for my new house are two: 1. Every single room must be entirely kid-proof. 2. Clutter is the enemy.

And just because the yard would be a perfect place to have an adorable, happy yellow lab puppy doesn't mean I should get one, right.....? I clean up enough poo everyday without a dog. Even a cute one. With floppy ears. And brown eyes. And sweet yellow fur, and that adorable puppy lopsided run....NO. I can't have any more burdens right now, financial or otherwise. No more extra messes.

because I know you want to know.....

2011-06-01T22:43:00.001-06:00

.....what it looks like to rip up 40+ year old carpet.

It looks like this:

This was what was left of the 'padding' underneath the carpet.

Felix scraped it off for almost three hours today.

This is what was underneath the gross carpet. I know, I know! Beautiful, they-don't-make-it-like-that-anymore hardwood floor. Gorgeous. But I just don't have the budget to restore it. Its beauty will shine another day.

So for now, and the foreseeable future, our house will be carpeted. I can't tell you what a difference it has already made. Definitely smells better. I also can't tell you how very....*yawn*.....tired I am. Going to bed.

morning surprises

2011-05-27T23:14:00.000-06:00

There are many things I will miss when we leave this house. Living under the same roof as my mom and sister, having help right upstairs, etc.* One thing I will miss is the shelves next to the twins' cribs. There is a running shelf along the east side of the basement wall, and the girls' beds are right next to them. Nearly every night I sneak over to them and place special toys in little dioramas for them for when they wake in the morning. Sometimes they will have princesses giving each other high-fives, or pirates arriving in little long boats with treasure chests, or their favorite woodland creatures hopping a ride in a Fischer-Price car. It typically gives me an extra twenty minutes of sleep in the morning because they wake up, and wow! Look! Rapunzel is climbing up the slide! I won't be able to do that in our new house, and I'll miss it.

*There is probably an equally long list of things I won't miss, most importantly not having to worry about everyone else's things! Or the nails and screwdrivers in the mudroom! Or Walter knocking them over to eat the food in their hands!

a welcomed party

2011-05-27T07:18:00.000-06:00

Last night the amazing family we bought our house from hosted a neighborhood party to introduce us to their lovely friends and neighbors. How great are they? The night before they are moving they throw a party for us. I am amazed and humbled and it makes me want to pass on the good karma.
It felt like the beginning of something wonderful. Lots and lots of kids in that big, big yard. Everyone was so friendly, Trev & I felt at home already. I can't wait to move in and start his new chapter in our life.

my girls

2011-05-26T13:54:00.000-06:00

My girls may be hooligans sometimes, but they are also the cutest gals. This morning we were listening to the soundtrack to "Tangled" and when Rapunzel sings: "That's when my life....be--giiiiiiiiiiiiiiins" the girls both spontaneously raised their arms just like she does in the movie and sang one long note along with the music. They were so guileless, they just let it all out. I love them. And I can't WAIT to take them to Disneyland. I can't decide what I think they'll love most: Pirates, Winnie the Pooh, Casey Junior or Buzz Lightyear.
My favorite thing on earth, literally, is when Hazel wakes up in the morning. Mmmm. Typically she nurses at 6 AM and then sleeps in till 9. Then she stretches her little arms and legs, arches her back, and then peeps through her eyelids, and gives me the biggest, sleepy, woozy-warm smile. Is there anything better than that, really?

the budget

2011-05-24T12:51:00.000-06:00

To keep a balanced budget, we need to keep our internet and phone bill under $100 a month. You'd think that would be easier to do, dude. Up to this point we've been on Trev's parents' family plan for cell phones, which end this month. So this is my last week with a cell phone, and my last week with my children's beloved TV shows, Curious George and Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I will miss texting and television, but people lived for millenia without them, and so can I....right?

finding ground

2011-05-19T23:13:00.001-06:00

I've always known that if I was going to have children, it was going to be my one and only job. I am committed to being the best mother I can be. It is honestly the only goal in my life right now. And believe me, its enough. With three itty bitty girls....Phew. Right now there's nothing left of me for myself - does that make sense? I just don't have the time, resources ($) or energy to spend on myself. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad. What I want, more than anything else in the world, is for Josephine, Amelia and Hazel to grow up close to God, with strong personalities and ideas, and a sure home foundation. I had that growing up and I want to provide it for my daughters.
I feel good about what I'm doing. Domesticity fits me better than I thought it would. It is hard however, on mornings like this morning, to hear about the trip my folks and sis are taking next January. Paris, Lisbon, South Africa. It was the first time since I had kids the thought occurred to me, "If we hadn't have had kids, we could do things like that." Funny it wasn't going out to movies or getting my hair done or reading a book - it was adventure. I know, I know, some of you are thinking "Aren't you the girl who traveled around the whole world in a ship?" Yes, and I thought traveling like that would curb that appetite. Not so, I'm afraid. So I was a little shaken this morning, seeing their itinerary, and I need to find my ground again. Remember what is important right now. A chat with my grandma helped me with that today. And watching Pride and Prejudice. And I think it will also help when I can finally unpack all my books, in my very own house. And if it could stop stinking raining.

1-2-3....TIME OUT.

2011-05-18T12:58:00.000-06:00

Its been two weeks since I started using Dr. Phelan's 1-2-3 disciplinary method with the twins. I tell you what, Jo is a much happier girl. All I had to do was put her in time out TWICE and she never followed me around whining all day. She will still fuss, but nothing like before, and I can get it to stop in three counts. Millie is a bit more stubborn, but I bet in another two weeks it will be totally under control. I'm pretty strict, more strict than I imagined I'd be as a mom. But I really can't stand ill-behaved children.

Hazel is waiting for her cuddle time with me, and is reminding me with little kicks on my arm. Better go :).

pack or purge

2011-05-15T13:11:00.000-06:00

I'm working hard on packing. We've been here four years and I feel like we've filled every cranny with our belongings. Its an onerous task. However, I love purging. Even saying the word makes me feel cleaner. I revel in recycling, donating and just plain throwing things out. I'm brutal about it too because I hate clutter and useless things. So being forced to go through everything we own and decide to pack or purge sort of feels like losing weight, fast. What I have a hard time purging is art supplies, textiles and books. Which makes up a lot of our possessions. But we can fit 75% of our total amount of stuff in a 10' by 14' room, which I feel good about. And the majority of what I'm donating was stuff that was given to me in the first place, stuff I didn't purchase, which makes me feel confident I'm making wise consumer choices. So even though I am stuck inside packing on a beautiful day like this, at least it feels good!

Trev's BFA

2011-05-15T10:12:00.001-06:00

Around The World In 80 Days from Trevor Williams on Vimeo.

art pilgrimages, part I

2011-05-10T23:34:00.001-06:00

I've made many art pilgrimages, sometimes traveling thousands of miles for a single artwork. Each work and journey left its imprint. Starting with my own proverbial backyard, Robert Smithson's Spiral Jetty, I'm going to write a series of blog posts focusing on these pilgrimages. I am definitely a "the journey is as important as the destination" type, but I'm going to focus only on my experience with the work of art and its impact, for the sake of brevity.

About six months ago I made a mistake. Instead of checking the "Art Bulletin" box on my CAA renewal form, I checked "The Art Journal." In short The Bulletin is about art then and the Journal is about art now. I'm more interested in pre-nineteenth century art, but I thought the mistake may stretch my academic reading a bit. The Winter 2010 edition contains essays about contemporary land art, and I was pleasantly surprised because it fell in line with my other readings lately, namely Spiral Jetta by Erin Hogan.* In the introduction to The Art Journal Katy Siegel wrote: "Robert Smithson, Nancy Holt, and other Land artists looked back into prehistory, imagining an epochal stretch so long and slow that it hardly moved, so vast that human civilization was just a flicker in its expanse." For days afterward I ruminated over her words and how they rang true about Spiral Jetty and my own experience with it. After almost three hours in the car (with two five-month-old twins, mind you. I told you I was serious about experiencing art) and a twenty minute delay by a herd of horses surrounding the car, my adventurous father and I arrived at The Jetty on a clear, warm November morning. What struck me most about The Jetty was how silent it was. You could hear nothing. No hums or buzzings, car horns or clocks ticking. I was aware of my own breathing, my heart beating, and standing there on the great salt flats it was a very centered moment. It felt not timeless but out of time - like Siegel said, time was so slow and long it hardly moved. Paintings only involve one of the five senses, but land art involves all of them. I can honestly say that visiting The Spiral Jetty was a transformative event for me, and not because I have been 'properly prepared' for it. I actually thought it might be boring. In a world that can change with the death of a single man, remembering The Jetty and that centered feeling always brings quiet to my soul.

*Didn't enjoy it. I think she was trying to channel some Steinbeck Travels with Charley, but her voice just sounded affected.

b i g news

2011-05-03T21:15:00.000-06:00

This is home. Our home. Yep, we are officially home owners. I know I've not mentioned yet, but now everything is official, signed, done and dusted. We will move in the end of the month. I am thrilled and happy as can be. After living in the basement for nearly four years, the idea of having a space to truly call our own is exhilarating, like taking a big breath coming out of the water.
And what a space it is! I knew the minute I walked in that it was right for us. I know the Lord's hand was in every step of this endeavor, and it has been a faith promoting experience for me. There have been only a handful of times in my entire life that I could say for absolute certain that I knew God's will. This was one of them.
I love the house. Built in the early 1900s, it has the charm and character that has always attracted me in a house. Built-in book shelves, woodwork, tall ceilings and short handrails. And - no kidding - it has a whopping half acre backyard. With a magical tree fort. No garage, but a carriage house. It used to have doors on both ends so a carriage could be pulled through and the horses released and lead to the barn. There used to be a barn on the property, but it did not weather time as well as the carriage house. The family we bought the house from were extremely creative and used the wood to make the tree fort. Its part of old Springville, and thus uses the city's irrigation system. Instead of sprinklers, we get water for two hours every ten days. The backyard will flood, and all I can think is "splash pad." It will be a magical place for our children to grow up.
A bonus for Trevor is an outdoor studio with its own root cellar. He has christened it his Man Hut and will put his Man Things in it. It will do wonders for him, he who has had to share his space with his inlaws for so long.
I'm so happy, it is even making the onerous task of packing worth it. This is a big step for us, and we are ready and excited to make it!

kingdom dance

2011-05-01T13:03:00.002-06:00

All our ladies had a splendid time together, as you can see:

for daddy

2011-04-25T17:22:00.000-06:00

bff

2011-04-22T21:39:00.000-06:00

Trevor's BFA is due on the 27th. B & D are moving in and need to put stuff in our space. So, as any sane mother would do (ha ha), I decided to drive 14.5 hours with three children under the age of two, to see my best friend. I made it all by myself. Not to easy a feat! But we're here and having a marvelous time. Trevor is getting a lot of work done and I'm so happy to spend time with my bff. She may be moving to the east coast in the next two years, and this may be one of the few times in the foreseeable future I can spend time with her.
I'm lucky to have had the same best friend since I was nine. The Charlotte Bronte quote, "Whatever our souls are made of......yours and mine are the same," always makes me think of her and me. Its been funny, I'll pull out a shirt or pick out one of her plates, and unbeknownst to us we'll have purchased the same one. We're also lucky to have girls the same age, so we are going through the same motherhood joys and woes.
Its the little things about her that never change that I forget about until I'm with her that really makes spending time with her a joy. Things like her special playlists, the look on her face when Errol Flynn woos the heroine on screen, or how we have to stop for a Diet Coke even though we're already half and hour late. I love having a best friend who I can talk to about anything and everything. I just adore her and despite the grueling trip and missing Trevor, I'm glad to be here.

twin worlds

2011-04-19T07:13:00.000-06:00

Pretty sure twins require a different way of parenting than singletons. Increasingly they are more involved with each other. They enter into this Millie & Jo world where I'm not totally invited. I'm kind of the overseer to keep peace, but I'm not a citizen. It makes it hard to discipline because sometimes they're so immersed I can't break in! They talk to each other, and always do the same thing at the same time (makes 'sharing' a difficult concept....). Its interesting, frustrating at times, and sometimes hard for outsiders to recognize it.

I see you!

2011-04-17T15:53:00.000-06:00

yub yub

2011-04-16T13:32:00.000-06:00

Similarities my brother noticed the other day...

spring!!!

2011-04-16T07:12:00.000-06:00

Oh this long, cold, horrid winter may finally be breaking up! We spent nearly all day outside yesterday. Jo and Millie are so happy, and I am so happy at the prospect of no longer being couped up in two basement rooms with two wild animals! I'm trying to get my sewing projects to the point of being able to do some hand sewing outside. I'm making the girls a pirate quilt, with some embroidered ships and skull & crossbones!

small victories, and a royal affair!

2011-04-13T06:42:00.000-06:00

I decided to chin up and keep a stiff upper lip and all that, and went grocery shopping alone with all three chiclets. We all survived, and brought food home. Huzzah!

Is anyone else so excited for Kate & William's wedding? A British royal wedding doesn't happen every year! The pomp, the frills, the ceremony, the Britishness of it all! Not sure how I'm going get the twins to sit still, but I AM going to watch a little of it!

It reminded me of when I was 9 years old, I watered my British neighbor's plants whilst they were away on vacation. Upon her return I very politely refused payment and instead asked for her commemorative Charles & Diana wedding tea tin. Its still an object I see every day and enjoy.

Not like we have the budget for it, but I really want something small to commemorate William and Kate's wedding to accompany my tea tin, and I was thinking about this....

Hazel Honey

2011-04-12T15:06:00.001-06:00

a very good day

2011-04-10T21:41:00.000-06:00

The twins didn't fight (too much). They ate their healthy dinner. ALL of it. They even said please and thank you. I got hugs and kisses. They went to bed without a hitch. Millie kissed Hazel out of nowhere.

Ahhhh. Days like today give me hope.

our sweet, sweet baby

2011-04-08T20:47:00.001-06:00

Everything about Hazel is sweet. She smells sweet, has the sweetest expressions, the sweetest sounds. She is the greatest joy in my life. She's just started smiling for real and every time she does it my heart melts and I tear up. My twins have always had feisty, strong personalities, but Hazel is really chill. She has never cried full-out. She whimpers a little when she's hungry, but seriously, that's it. I cannot believe it. I'm so grateful for her peaceful soul, she is exactly what we needed. She's so uncomplaining that I just can't be grumpy about being up with her for late night feedings. She loves sleeping, waaaaaaay more than the twins ever have, and cuddling with her during afternoon nap is what I live for. She burrows in until her entire body is touching mine, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a better feeling in the world. I was so worried about having another baby 20 months after Jo and Millie, but she's so easy and loving that she has only added to my happiness.

doldrums...

2011-04-07T20:27:00.000-06:00

.....that's the word I would use to describe life right now. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but I feel so cramped. The weather hasn't allowed many park trips the last week. The twins are becoming increasingly wild. I don't think they're out of the ordinary for their age, but there are two of them, which makes double the mess, double the mischief. They follow one another and create craziness times two. I seriously can't go anywhere by myself, even if I put Hazel in the wrap and put the twins in the stroller, I literally can't keep the twins together and with me. Go to the grocery store? Jo is off this way and Millie is off that, and I have a baby strapped to my chest. Even if I wanted to go out by myself there is only a two-hour window in the morning that's open because of nursing schedule, nap schedule and food preparation and mealtimes. AND to top it off, its crunch time for Trevor's BFA so even when he's home in the evenings he works on it. His schedule has been to sleep between 10 and 2 AM and then work on his BFA until he has to leave for work. Poor fella.

AND my mom, sister, sister-in-law and a family friend are going to Disneyland next week.

Gripey gripey gripey. Yep. I know it. But I can't help it. I'm seriously struggling right now.

my mom

2011-03-31T05:38:00.001-06:00

My mom recently visited her parents in Michigan and returned with this gem. In 1967 Disney released its Jungle Book, and along with it the LP for its leading song, "The Bare Necessities." An 8-year-old version of my mother spent literally hours alone in her room listening to the LP. Growing up in rural Michigan without siblings to play with, Disney was my mom's most frequent retreat.
Her school was putting on a musical concert, and amongst the traditional, boring patriot elementary school fare, they were singing "The Bare Necessities." A neat little row of 3-4th graders wearing their pressed Sunday best, obediently rising to sing. But clearly such a song could not be sung holding still, or so my mom thought! She was dancing away, eyes closed, singing loudly through the whole song! My grandma said she had obviously been in her room attentively listening to the record inventing her very own dance moves to the song. She was completely absorbed, and completely alone in her dancing.
This little story represents my mom in so many ways - her Disney passion, her zest for the fun in life, her bountiful imagination, ignoring social norms for the sake of creativity. I love my mom so much, and love this about her, and love this story. I could just see her doing it. My grandma said that afterward mom sat down and chatted away at the girl next to her (who was ignoring her with all her might), undoubtedly saying "Wasn't that FUN?!" It was fun for her because she made it fun. And that's how she lives life, and its something I cherish in her. The more of the world I become acquainted with, the more I realize that joy, fun and creativity are rare, and I've never met anyone like my mom. She seeks after these things, and her life, her family and community are better for it. It baffles a lot of folks, who react by belittling her, laughing at her, or writing her off. But wow, are they missing out.

josephine this morning

2011-03-29T21:15:00.000-06:00

She's into Mickey Mouse, can you tell? She wears the hat everyday because it has "Meee-MOW!!!"

a pirates life for twins

2011-03-26T20:10:00.001-06:00

The twins are obsessed with pirates. They love their pirate ship and little pirate dudes, and they love the music from the Disneyland ride. We watch this sing along everyday. I thought it would be fun to post their faces while they watch the video, because they are pretty comical.

a farewell

2011-03-25T20:54:00.000-06:00

Whenever someone says "I bet your mom is going to miss having you and your girls in the house," all I can see is a mental montage of all the food flinging, screaming, toy scattering, mischief making destruction they have wreaked on this house. All the child locks, rubber bands, and tape keeping them out of cabinets, pantries and rooms. The tivo is filling up with Curious George cartoons. There are toys in every room in the house. All the messes they've made. All the noise pollution they make. And then I serenely respond, "No...I don't think she will."

a bit of validation

2011-03-24T04:44:00.000-06:00

Just have to say - whenever someone else watches the twins, which is none too often, they invariably end up frazzled, a little frantic, and exhausted. Even if that someone is around them on a daily basis. Even if its only for an hour. I'm pretty sure this is why children need a full time mom, someone who knows that sometimes a little Curious George can go a long way, that the girls will do almost anything if there's a promise of chocolate or marshmallows in the end,* and knows all the signs preceding a meltdown. I know its terrible, but I do feel gratified when someone else takes the reigns and sees how formidable raising twin hooligans can be. Everybody needs a bit of validation now and then.

*So will I, for that matter!