10/2/12

the current

I've been struggling a lot with boredom. I'm just so bored. So much of raising children is sheer repetition and routine. I changed five diapers this morning. Read 'Dear Zoo' seven times. Dressed three girls. I can actually quote along with the cartoons. My brain feels like its turning into oatmeal, and I'm having a harder and harder time accessing information that used to be at the tip of my tongue. (Couldn't remember The Kritios Boy on Sunday).
There's not a lot I can actually do to fix this. I try to read academically when the children are asleep, but I am always so exhausted and usually irritated that the effort feels insurmountable.
I'm afraid that after years and years of this, which is what is most certainly in my future, my education will be such a remote memory I won't be able to access it. I know there are going to be decades of my future life when I can develop talents and explore new worlds, but how do I get through the here and now?
So maybe I just have to give in, like a swimmer taken away by a current. If you try to swim against it, you'll just exhaust yourself. But if you go limp, just try to float, you're more likely to survive.
For example, all summer I battled to stop the kids from piddling outside. This was harder than it sounds, house training a puppy alongside potty training twins, its inevitable they'd start to think: "Samwise gets treats for relieving himself outside, why are we scolded?" Today as Josephine piddled in the grass with a big grin and said, "I just like Samwise!" I just watched her do it. Didn't stop her. Didn't even say anything, except "At least get your underwear back on." And it felt really good to give in.
I've come to this conclusion before, but I've never been able to let go of trying. But I am thinking I should seriously just give in, stop fighting to keep hold of things that are too far out of my capabilities, and see where the current takes me. And I have to make sure I don't criticize myself for doing it, and hope my brains will still be there when I have some breathing room.

2 comments:

  1. To show you I know your pain, sadly I get pretty excited when a certain episode of The Cat in the Hat comes on.

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  2. Hey if you figure this out, please share your secrets. I'm over here in matchbox car land trying to remember who I am.

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