Eloise had a rough episode this evening. This is an abridged version of what I wrote to my parents:
Me: I went outside to collect tomatoes. I was outside for maximum five minutes, I come inside Eloise is facedown on the floor, purple, not breathing. Ragdoll. She got out of it, but not without a lot of stress on her mother's part. I have this Han Solo quote going through my head…
Eloise has started to cry whenever I leave her eyesight, so what I think happened is when I went outside, she started scooting as fast as she could to follow me, but fell over. It probably scared her, startled her, and hurt her J-tube. Then she had a bronchospasm. Made worse by being facedown in the carpet. She has no skills to rollover or sit herself up.
Moogie: Oh my golly..Were any of the girls nearby to alert you about poor Eloise? That is just unbelievable...though not really, since she has done that once to me while I was watching her...
Me: All of it makes me feel crazy-trapped. Can't even walk outside to get tomatoes!
Moogie: Bingo, you are trapped. Such a stupid, high stress and unrelenting situation...
Me: Sometimes I feel like I am under house arrest. I can't even volunteer to be in the kids' classrooms as a room mom. It's a pretty awful situation for someone with an outsized wanderlust.
I probably told Heavenly Father when He told me about his plan for me, "Wow....Fine, I'll do it, ONLY IF you send me to earth with INTERNET."
Moogie: Oh babe, your personal mansion will include: Versailles, (clean) Disneyland and your own private island!
Me: Oh no, I've already told Heavenly Father my fondest wish: I want to live in the Von Trapp mansion - with the ballroom, monastery bells, dining room, and of course the Captain and guitar Eidelweiss-ing and all!
And the lake.
But not Nazis.
Moogie: And the swan sentinels at the dock!
Me: Yup. And all my children in matching curtain-clothes.
Moogie: I wonder if I could learn to yodel?
Me: Unnecessary. The nuns do all the singing.
Moogie: Think the girls will learn to line up when we shrilly tweet for them?
Me: Are you kidding? We are working on that now, yo!
All I have to do is read books in the immaculately well-stocked library with the world's best literature, boat on the lake, ride my bike around Salzburg, throw large fancy parties, visit art museums, and visit the market to bring home fresh fruits, cheeses as bread.
Moogie: Ahh paradise! I actually would take the library in "Inkheart"
Me: No more late nights with unhappy babies, squishing half-eaten, wet quesadillas between my toes on the kitchen floor. Just me and my excellent dog Beowulf. No one else is invited, because other people just want things from me all the time. Will you volunteer for PTA? Will you bring snacks to nursery next week? You have to pay this bill, or be charged a fine! Will you tie my shoes? I'm hungry - will you make me food? Could you please do the laundry, I don't have any clean garments.
Nope. Just me and my dog in the VonTrapp mansion.
Moogie: And me? In yodeling distance? Aunt Carol's mansion? No drafts, Victorian architecture, flush toilets, uncluttered sewing room, non shedding dogs...a garden with its own handsome staff and music on demand in any room without searching for any stupid adaptor. And a cook that cooks - what I like!
Me: So I've been so good, running, yoga, doing Bollywood burn… I've been eating so healthily. But I had such a hard day, I'm going to give into my craving. I'm driving to Spanish Fork for some Founder's Favorite at Cold Stone. And also, I am getting a pint.
"It comes in pints?!"
Which is exactly what I'm doing next.