Lotus Lilies, Charles Courtney Curran, 1888.
After we got home from school today, I was busy in the kitchen making lunch, when I heard Eloise gasping for air. She and Amelia were playing in the living room, and Millie had hid under a laundry basket. Eloise must have thought she disappeared, because she went absolutely hysterical. By the time I got there, she was purple and falling over. I picked her up and tried to calm her enough to breathe. It became clear she was having a full blown spasm, but the ambubag was not at hand. So I covered her nose and mouth with my mouth and blew hard to open her airway. It worked, she took a breath and passed out in my arms. She was passed out for a few minutes on my chest, but she was breathing. She woke up after a little while, and now she is acting fine...

I thought these days were over, so today's episode took me particularly unprepared. We are all recovered, but I tell you, this motherhood thing....

If you've been following our family over the past two years, you will know our troubles have been pretty bad. Many of the trials that loom far away like silent storm clouds for most, have engulfed our family with loud claps of thunder. Things have finally improved since Eloise had her magical Nissen Fundoplication last December, but every once in a while we have monstrous events like today's.

However, I will say that being forced to face so many fears makes one fearless. That opens whole new realms of possibility. I used to be much more self conscious about things I didn't know. Books I hadn't read. Artists I never heard of. I am much more open to new information, and experiencing and learning all sorts of new things. Its a strange gift, but its one of the few that have come with this whole ordeal.

Last night I went rollerskating for the very first time.


  1. Ditto. You leave me speechless with your accounts of what for you is daily life - and the emotion and joy and yes, terror make my heart pound for you. I am not fearless, but I fear less because of you.