My best friend called to tell me she was pregnant. It's extremely exciting since she and her husband have been trying for over a year. When she called I was eating a yummy Thai lunch with my mom, and I gave a loud squeal of joy, which gave the couple at the next table a start :).
As absolutely thrilled as I am for her, it was bittersweet. Last April I had one those exceptional life moments when, as clear as day, I knew exactly where my life was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do. I knew Trev & I were supposed to have a baby.
I was definitely not looking for that answer - I wasn't even asking that question. I was dissertation bound with a PhD on the horizon. (Not that it is entirely out of the question now.) But I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me in no uncertain terms what my priorities should be.
Trevor had the same feeling, although he reached it in an entirely different way. It was an exciting direction change for us. However (obviously) we have met with no success. It would be okay if it was just a timing thing, but there have been several upsetting issues. The last two months I have been going to weekly fertility treatment, and it has been taxing. Emotionally, physically, and even spiritually, it has been exhausting.
You know when you bite into a green apple and everything after that has an appley aftertaste? That's how it's been with this. I have this low-lying sadness and disappointment hanging over me all the time. I just can't shake it - even doing things I love the most (sewing, baking, spending time with friends, sleeping in, watching old Cary Grant movies) can't lift my spirits. It's been just as hard for Trevor. (Which doesn't help with the original problem.) I've been trying different medications and have been poked, prodded, examined and made thoroughly uncomfortable week after week.
So Sarah's news has overtones of sadness for me, because it would have been a really wonderful experience to be pregnant along with her. I haven't felt like this was an appropriate topic for blogging, but I've gotten to a point where I really need some outside support, and I think expressing it in another avenue will be good for me.
Oh Shelley, I'm sorry that you have to go through the agony of fertility treatments. Don't lose hope, though! The Lord has told you what direction you need to take, and I'm sure you will somehow be blessed for following those promptings. I'm sure that having patience to do things on the Lord's timetable is trying, though. Especially with the subject of pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be in my prayers!
The whole fertility thing is such a mystery. I remember how sad I was when I miscarried right around Thanksgiving. We spent the holiday with my sister-in-law who was large with child, and I was amazed at how hard that was.
ReplyDeleteBless you, Shelley.
xo
I totally understand how not being able to get pregnant (on your timetable) colors every little moment of life and makes life heavy. Obviously I don't have fertility issues on the same level you're dealing with, but let's just say I'm not one of those people who gets to be picky about what month/season/zodiac sign their kids' birthdays fall under. I spent 10+ months being miserable about not being pregnant before I could be miserable about puking this time around.
ReplyDeleteIt's a large part of why I'm not apt to complain much now that I'm in the trimester most people complain the loudest about. A baby is coming, I'm not puking. Life is good.
I have a close friend who's been dealing with infertility for 7 years (largely due to a heart condition) but she's felt a reassurance of the spirit that she will be a mother in this life, so she's rolled along and gotten her masters and started her doctorate (in piano performance), even though that wasn't in her plan originally. She's found a good portion of peace in giving up a desire to be in control of the timing of the whole thing. But it's still hard and sad for her much of the time.
I suspect there was a reason you both had that prompting when you did, and it wasn't because you were going to be parents immediately. Being parents and becoming parents are similar in that you have to do everything you can do, (realize that holy crap, it's not enough!) and hand the rest over to God in great faith.
*Monica*: Thanks for the support, I really need it!! It's so hard to remember Heavenly Father has his own timetable. So so hard. Especially when I feel like we're doing what He wants.
ReplyDelete*Em*: I think you're right. Maybe Heavenly Father is preparing Trevor and I to be parents by teaching us that really, in the end, it's all in Heavenly Father's hands. From timing to the ability to do what we want, we have to rely on Him in ways I've never had to before. I need to think of it that way...
*Ann*: No, seriously, I work with the cutest pregnant girl who is just a little bit older than me. Everyone tells her how much she is glowing and coos over her. I have to remind myself she did not get pregnant just to spite me.
Shelley, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it is one of the toughest things ever to deal with. Don't lose hope. It is easy to get worn down and think negatively. It's the hardest thing ever, but try to stay happy and stay strong through this trial :) Best of luck, we'll be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteHi Shelley my love
ReplyDeleteWell I feel like leaving a message about this just isnt enough so i will probably just call you in a minute. I love you, I am sorry, i know, not exactly, but some of what you feel, and as always I will be praying for you.
Sarah Anne
Shelley, I'm so, so there for you any time you want to talk.
ReplyDelete