plodding

It's happened. I'm tired of being pregnant. Up till now I've been trying to enjoy it, to savor the moments because I'll never have them again. I've tried to remember what a cool thing this is, and how special and miraculous my bodies' changes have been. And are. Even through the incessant vomiting of my first trimester, the long wait and exhaustion of my second, and now my very full third trimester, I've tried to keep to the sunny side.

I'm afraid my battle has been lost - I'm irritable, easily angered, and frustrated at small things. Like my brother eating half the bakery-bought cupcakes left for ME by my visiting teachers. I didn't even have a chance to pick which one I wanted. See? A small thing. But I'm still angry about it, and that happened last night. Angry at the house guests. Angry I can't ride my bike in this gorgeous weather. Angry that no one can seem to get enough of watching "Arrested Development" right above my room.

I'm irritated about sleepless, painful nights, making three trips an hour to the bathroom, and people constantly and caring-ly asking me "How are you feeling?" with empathy in their eyes. I'm angry I missed another chance to go to Disneyland with Sarah. I'm angry at how much BIGGER I am than the other four girls in the non-stress test lab, who just have petite belly bumps.

I have two normal sized babies in my belly. At this stage, 32 weeks, a baby should weigh around four pounds. Both my babies weigh four pounds. And I'm grateful. I'm just excited for them to be here, and I know it will all be worth it. Right now I'm having a hard time having tender feelings towards these two beings. But I know when I see them, can hold them and love them, the small irritations that easily beset me will wash away. And remember how much I've been wanting this? Yes. I'm grateful. I just sometimes wish I could take a day off from being pregnant. Not just pregnant, but doubly pregnant. I'm way past what a woman with one baby would be experiencing at 9 months of full term. More pain, more weight, more exhaustion. Dr. Glenn has put me on semi-bedrest. I have to lay down for several hours in the morning, and several in the afternoon....leaving me very little time when I'm NOT lying down. He said I can still teach. I only have three more lectures. Thank the heavens above for teaching.

Trevor's been a dream. I have a stellar husband. I can't believe how lucky I have it. And Holly is visiting me this evening. My little sister's comments and help have been absolute gold. She tells me things like "You are almost there. Seriously. You're almost done with this. It's almost over." She's so cool.