but really, all this would be better....

Nothing makes you feel older than good old-fashioned trauma. I feel like I've aged five years in the past few days. Its been a terribly, terribly rough handful of days around here. Nothing makes you look older like frequent crying, either.
I want to do what I'm doing, and I'm grateful for all I have. I love my children and husband fiercely, and we do have a lot of fun. I am doing the absolute best I can, and I don't think my energies can be wasted by pouring them into raising a healthy, strong family. But there are so many joys that used to populate my life that are no longer accessible, and that is hard. I miss working at The King's English and having stimulating, hilarious conversations with my co-bibliophiles, going home arms full of books. I miss sleeping on a ship, and sitting alone on the fourth deck to watch the ocean and its mercurial moods for hours. I miss watching movies with my best friend, and actually being able to stay up late. I miss Harry Potter parties at The Read Leaf. I miss working late nights at SMA, listening to the strange sounds echo off the walls, and to Vern's art theories. I miss losing track of time in the Harold B Lee Library, writing a thesis I loved. I miss driving my convertible around Utah Lake.
There are good times ahead, I know. And this current burden is making me better. I feel my powers of empathy deepening with these new life experiences. Being able to deeply feel for others more than myself is critical to becoming an open-minded and kind person. I also feel tapped into some universal motherhood powers, as old as the earth, and it gives me great strength.

But really, all this would be better if I had a trip to Europe on the horizon. I have several itineraries in mind that would satisfy.


  1. This is why we are friends. I could have written this. Today. What can I do to give you a little break?

  2. My darling sister, just think of all the places we'll go when we're both married with kids (When I'm married with kids, that is..) We'll go to England, we'll go to France, we'll go see Ladies In Underpants, we'll see everything!