esteem part II
I love living in Springville, its a wonderful town full of great people. But sometimes I am abashed when I remember that confidence I had in my dreams. Life changes, you change with it, and I am happy.
But it is hard when I run into people from high school I haven't seen since graduation day, and not only do they remember me looking like that picture above, but they remember what I had said about my future plans. It painfully brings to mind how badly my body has fared pregnancy and motherhood. I lost half my hair when I was pregnant with Hazel, and it never grew back. Stretch marks, flabbiness. Stuff I'm sure other mothers have conquered with time, money and a lot of energy, but having so many children in quick succession just hasn't given me those three things in any kind of abundance.
Its especially hard when, say, you run into your old high school nemesis. The one you competed against for the same solos, the same boys, the same awards. And she looks friggin' ah-mazing. Seriously, that dealt a blow I'm still dealing with. Petty, I know. But come on - why did she have to look so good?!
Granted, she doesn't have three kids, or a master's degree, or sailed around the world. But it doesn't matter if you're feeling raw, and I feel raw. Physical looks are so easy to quantify, compared to everything else in life, the things that really matter. And the last time she saw me, I looked like that stupid yearbook picture. Yeah, really didn't need that.