I came home last night at 10 PM from the hospital to find all three daughters awake, awaiting me and my lullabies. Didn't matter what Trevor did or said, they only wanted me to put them to bed. When I finally got up to their rooms, I had no voice to sing. I have a painful sinus infection.
After spending time first-hand in some of the world's poorest countries, I feel like I never have a place to complain. I'm grateful for running, clean water in my well-insulated home. I'm grateful I'm not raising my children in a tent in Haiti, fearing cholera. I'm grateful I'm not a woman in Pakistan. Or a mother in Syria.
But as far as my life has gone, this has been the most challenging experience I've yet faced, and its because I've never loved as fiercely as I love my children. I haven't had so many things go wrong in my body, and never spent so much time in a hospital. In the seven years I've been married, I have never seen my husband less. A total of maybe fifteen minutes today.
Its not as if there aren't reasons to celebrate. Our Eloise is alive, and being well cared for. My other children are healthy, and growing. We've managed to stay fiscally afloat. I guess its the emotional side of this I'm struggling with the most. I'm weary, and find myself creating imaginary trip itineraries (today's: Vienna, Salzberg, Milan, Lyon, Marseille, Bordeaux, Nantes, Paris. And I want to drive, not take the train. I want to be able to stop at all the places that capture my curiosity).
Eloise has her first long gap study in two days. She will have to go to the OR, anesthetized, and the surgeon will take out her g-tube, and place a scope down her esophagus on one end, and another through her stomach. Then an x-ray will show how large the gap is. If it is small enough, she may be ready for surgery. If not, well, we'll see. But let's pray this ends soon, or I'm afraid something will snap.