too much, and too little

You lose a lot when you become a stay-at-home mom. You lose a lot when you have a special needs baby. Its all been so hard for me lately. Being home so much with so many little children makes me question my sanity, and can overwhelm me with a feeling of desperation - because I am trapped. So trapped. Physically (can hardly go anywhere with a baby with tubes, let alone with all her siblings!), emotionally (can't lose my temper or scream if I want to), spiritually (why God?), and intellectually (sometimes not even NPR can make up for a lack of reading time.)
I get that I am raising four human beings, and all the effort and time I spend is worth it. I love them. But for someone who is burdened with an oversized wanderlust and a hungry mind, staying home is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My children are awake for 12-14 hours a day, and each of them want my undivided attention ALL THE TIME. And Eloise is...a whole lotta work. Just the upkeep of her jejunal tube, and her numerous medications, and the three times an hour she chokes on something and has a 'spit fit.' I spend so much time at the pharmacy, on the phone with health insurance, and just keeping all four of my children fed and alive, there is just nothing for me.
This sounds like a pity party, yeah, I know. I do see where I am blessed, but it doesn't help when I am exhausted, sick to death of toys and squabbles over toys, when I've spent most of my day in the kitchen either making food or cleaning it up, or the weariness from the constant concern for Eloise. It feels like too much, and too little.

Someone told me a few days ago that yes, children grow older, but they don't get easier, they only replace the old annoyances with new ones. I was quick to tell that person that no, this will get easier because this is not annoyance. This is a chokehold on every aspect of my life. Yes, it will be easier when my fourth child can eat with her mouth and her stomach. When I'm not driving to and from doctors appointments constantly. When even my night is not interrupted 3-7 times. It will be easier when I'm not spending $500 a month on diapers and expensive, specialty baby formula. It will be easier when all my children can buckle their own damn seat belts. When they can pour their own milk, or open a door. Or even when they can all speak English.

I am frustrated, and feeling desperate, and I forced myself to sit and write this blog post, because I thought it might help. But even when I've tucked myself away in the Glamper for just an hour, Amelia and Hazel have interrupted me about five times...Good picking grief.

1 comment:

  1. Big hugs, Shelley. I know there's not anything to say that can -really- make you feel better, but you will receive such blessings, both here and in heaven, for loving your girls the way you do.

    I can only relate to a certain extent having been a caretaker to my paralyzed father-in-law for eighteen months, but I do know that feeling of being trapped. I legally couldn't go anywhere and leave him during the day and often I would be alone with him for 12-13 hours because of my husband's demanding schedule, and we live out in the sticks. I was so lonely. It wasn't as intense (he couldn't exactly run around causing havoc the way three kids can) as what you go through each day, but I have been in a similar spot and, though in an admittedly limited way, I empathize.

    Love and miss you!