I always underestimate how badly my twins cope with big changes. Especially Amelia. They have been asking me questions all week, "Why can't I keep going to the bunny school?" (Bunny school = their preschool with a bunny.) "Why can't I stay home with you?" and "It is hard learning new things, and scary."
When I asked their new kindergarten teacher how they were doing in class, she responded, "So what is their developmental delay?" I was taken aback, I did not know they had a developmental delay. I asked her to explain. "Well," she said, "they can write a few letters..." It was all I could do not to cry in front of her. I pointed to Eloise and told her just the skeleton outline of our life for the last year. It was clear to me she didn't get it, there was no way in the 30 seconds I had with her to explain what we have been through since Eloise was born. Since Eloise was conceived.
In my current emotional state, small insults and misunderstandings feel both insignificant, and unbearable. But the teacher's assessment pushed me over the edge. There was not a minute since the twins were born when I wasn't trying my hardest to be their mother. I have sacrificed so much to do it. I was all lined up with a PhD program. But when I felt like God was prompting me, in no uncertain terms, to start a family, I did it. And wham! Twins! Wow! Okay!
So to have a teacher look at me and wonder why my twins aren't 'kindergarten ready...' it brought to a head all the sadness and doubts I have been harboring. I have even been questioning why am I even doing this? Why did I bring any children into this crazy world? If it is taking everything from me, why am I doing it at all?
To my grand relief, and I'm sure answer to more prayers than just mine, the answer came to me. I was asking my Heavenly Father the same questions my children were asking me: "Why can't I stay home with you?" and "It is hard learning new things, and scary." The answer I gave to my children is the same answer I needed: Because it is the best place for you to learn. You could stay home with me, but I can promise you wouldn't learn as much. It is good to learn to do things that are scary and hard. You can only grow with me so much, and I want you to learn so much more.
This is the best place for me to learn.