looking up

We're on the downhill slope. There is light at the end of the tunnel, finally. Amelia is eating extremely well, in fact last night she received her full meal from breastfeeding. The doctor told us that if we were to be aggressive with Millie, she could be home at the end of the week. However, Josephine is on her own time schedule. She's not terribly interested in eating. She prefers to be sung to. To give you an idea of the disparity, Amelia ate 51 milliliters last night, whereas Jo got 15. Amelia will be discharged before Josephine unless Jo picks up the pace. And once Amelia is discharged from the NICU, she can never come back. So it's not like if she were discharged we could bring her back during the day to be with Josephine; Amelia would have to stay home.

What to do? The doctor said she would "drag her heels" discharging Amelia to give Josephine more time to learn to eat (more time = two or three more days, maybe four to five at the most). My instinct is to keep them together as long as possible. But I know Amelia would do better at home than here. Less chances of getting sick, better sleep, better place to be. But it would mean I would, literally, feed Amelia, drive to the hospital to feed Josephine, and come directly back to feed Amelia. That would be at least 6 times a day back and forth from home to hospital. Whoa. That's unrealistic not only for me and my body, but for expenses and everything else, but it would have to be that way.

So I feel like I have to make a choice that makes Amelia sacrifice for Josephine. I wish Amelia could tell me what she thought of this choice. I pray Jo decides that eating is, to quote Dr. Strangelove, "not only possible, it is essential."

Taking Amelia away from Josephine also strikes fear in my heart for Jo's emotional wellbeing. Both girls know when the other is missing. They fuss and flail their little arms and won't sleep until she has the company of her sister. So both girls would suffer from the separation, but Josephine more so because Amelia would have her parents with her.

But, positive side, Amelia is close to coming home! Yay! I couldn't be more sick of monitors, beeps, cords, strings, electrical outlets, prods, pokes, gloves, the smell of Avagard, monitors monitors monitors. Please though, pray for Jo. She needs it. I pray for some unseen angel to come whisper eating secrets in her ear or something. I am so patient with her, but I'm starting to feel a little desperate, and really need your prayers.


  1. What a rock and hard place to be between. I wish I had a house next to the hospital I could let you live in!
    Instead: prayers: check. Good eating vibes: check.

    I think I'll even throw in fasting. The stuff moves mountains.


  2. I'm so sorry Shelley. This has been quite the mess for you and your family. I will remember you in my prayers. Still can't wait to see them when you're all home and well. Love you!