7/23/13

pain

I have had doctors appointments, ultrasounds or no-stress tests literally every other day last week, this week and next week. Monitoring things closely, trying to make sure the baby doesn't start suffering adverse affects. I'm grateful for the diligence of my doctors, because it makes me feel like we're doing the best we can for the baby's health.

Today I measured 50 cms, that's enough space, as I quoth directly from my doctor, "for four babies." The perinatologist told me today that if I can no longer breath, or the pain becomes unbearable, they will have the c-section.

Which brings me to something I've been thinking a lot about: Living with chronic pain. When is it 'unbearable'? I can't sleep, eat, walk, stand, or do anything without having this constant pain. But I wouldn't think of ending the pregnancy earlier than is absolutely necessary, because I want my baby to have all the time inside that she needs.

So I've been working on a skill that I think will probably come in handy throughout my life. Separating my mind and body, not letting the pain have its way. Pain can be personality changing, and it takes immense effort to avoid irritability. Its an interesting exercise of willpower and self-control. I'm pretty proud to say that I win most of the time.

Except when my youngest has bouts of diarrhea twice on the carpet, and undoes the six weeks of grueling potty training by retreating to diapers. I just lost it, and yelled at her. I don't yell at my kids. But by the second time I had scrubbed the carpet clean on my hands and knees, I was hurting a lot and angry. Hazel's eyes filled with tears and she silently cried, and said, "I'm sorry mom." Which made me feel WORSE and made me cry even harder. But it was enough to strengthen my resolve to try even harder to keep this chronic pain from interfering with my mothering.

Dude. Life will be easier when this little girl comes and I have a body again, and not a washing machine. I can handle the midnight nursing, nap schedules, spit up, you name it. In the bag, baby. But staring at the next potentially three weeks is...daunting.

2 comments:

  1. The pain. Chronic pain. "Unbearable" pain. I totally get that. You can't really define "unbearable" pain, because everybody has different tolerance levels. You know your body. If something is wrong, you'll know it. That's what I have come to learn. There's the "norm",, which is still awful, no doubt, and then there's the "something is really wrong". It may or may not show itself through pain. I think that's what doctor's usually mean by "unbearable". Through the exercises you mentioned, we can train our bodies to tolerate almost anything. But we can also distinguish when something is really wrong and needs our attention.

    Keeping you in prayers.

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  2. You're a warrior, Shelley. I'm so proud of you.

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