8/22/13

a blur

We are all doing better. I don't feel or look like I have one foot in the grave anymore. Eloise has improved by leaps and bounds, wounds healing nicely, and growing like a baby should. Our darling nanny has slipped into our family like she's always been here. She's absolutely fantastic, and removes much of the stress in this situation, and my girls love her.
I'm struggling with a lot of things. It makes me miserably sad to think that my sweet baby's first three months of life (or longer) will be in a hospital. She's my last baby, and I am missing those precious moments of early life. But at least she's here, she has the correct diagnosis, and a procedure that will work. She may be 55 miles away from me, but I have transportation to get there. I spend a few hours every day at her bedside, and holding her close. I love her so much it hurts. Truthfully, my heart isn't whole until I'm with her.
The stress of this situation is taking its toll on everyone. I'm afraid by the end of it I may just puddle on the floor. Every morning I wake up shaking, sweaty and so tired I could go back to bed for another five hours. I'm assuming this is exhaustion. Having a child in the hospital is wearing. But it has been a faithful exercise to retrospectively look at the spiritually-based decisions that lead us to this point. The choice to start a family, which lead to my first experience with the NICU. I never thought I would look back at those days and see how they prepared me for something harder, but I'm so glad I had that first experience with babies in the hospital because it gave me the footing to handle this new situation (which is much worse). The choice to live in Springville took both Trevor and I by surprise. It was definitely a choice we made because of divine inspiration, and I can see how Heavenly Father knew what was in store for us, and that having my family nearby would answer future prayers. The decision to have another child was one made by God's guiding hand. Eloise, with her particular physical problems, could not have been sent to a better place. She has the resources she needs to be cured, and a loving family to take care of her.
So we keep moving onward. I can't believe how fast time is moving, I feel like I was discharged from the hospital yesterday, when in reality it was two weeks ago. I hope the next few months go as quickly, so someday they can be just a messy, painful blur.

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